every finance bro

new york city concrete jungle where

dreams are made of and i'm tarzan and

this [ __ ] which one of you jp morgan

interns wants to be my jane the name's

chet chet mcallister i'm in finance so

you know what that means my father and i

definitely have a great relationship are

you dating a tech bro what's it like

having sex with a guy wearing all birds

and not gucci slides speaking of mom

where the [ __ ] are mine the stigma on

finance bros is that we're all spoiled

and uncultured that's not true my second

hamptons home was actually spanish

design so hasta luego haters i had to

stop watching wolf of wall street and

had to start living it come on nice nice

nice hey green means good right people

said i was born into money wrong i was

born into a bed sure i grew up in the

hamptons but it was the west hamptons

you see it's not even that nice we don't

even have a front yard finance yeah

we're kind of like the jocks of new york

except we didn't play sports in high

school we played with our dad's ferraris

both of them what's my portfolio my dick

have in common they're both on fire

right now i think me and that goldman

sachs intern did one too many pump and

dumps you know what i mean ah blue

bottle coffee that's where i lost my

virginity well we pumped and then she

dumped me whatever i'm here to spread

sheets not spread cheeks now you might

see me and be like where did this

illustrious baby boss guru go to college

i'll tell you devry university i got

this thrifting last night and by

thrifting i mean macy's how are they

still in business are they public yet

there's a tgi fridays below me god this

place has gone to [ __ ] i think life is

all about balance owning pepsi shares

but doing coke at night still little in

there trans bachelor party was going off

at mr purple last night it's like my

great papa once said never judge a

leather-bound book by its cover just

cause you see me and i look like this

i'm not from a nice house i'm from the

hood well robin hood uh yeah my dad was

an early on investor in the company

goldman

he's on fire and so is his portfolio i'm

only up eight thousand dollars 550

what a [ __ ] sunday what's next

chick-fil-a is closed today it is i'll

just buy the franchise oh deutsche bank

yeah i'd rather buy vip tickets to fire

fest you are a comm major what's it like

being an idiot would you get a groupon

for college send me a gofundme link i'll

help donate to the calm cause i ask for

almond not soy you [ __ ] intern please

fix thanks somebody please fix somebody

please fix please fix thanks i don't

believe in astrology if i wanted to see

a star i'd look in the mirror i let the

stocks decide my moves [ __ ] [ __ ] damn it

wait is green good green's good okay

never mind working from home never

problem because i'm always working what

does red mean

yeah you might be a hollywood six but

you're a wall street ten you think i

could go on the bachelor no bachelorette

that's what's that equal

16. which one's wrong with the chicks

somebody please fix thanks hey chatty

daddy the doll judge is from 50 000.

slower veronica you're making my nipples

erect

has jewel ipad yet it's ipo what i say

ipa joule has an ipa that's good [ __ ] i

thought a jewel seltzer would be better

but when i get on the bachelor i'm i'm

bringing it on hey stop looking at my

portfolio guys please fix thanks you

just got into bitcoin what's next radio

shack don't forget to do your ice bucket

challenge while you're back there in

2004 me

being unproductive working at home are

you out of your jp morgan mind

it's pretty big for six inches oh [ __ ]

that's a nine it's still pretty big chat

chatter oh shoot yes

hi from the new york offices um radio

shack is going public on tuesday time

time for them to ipa ipo yeah okay bye

bye when you're as successful as i am

people have their doubts they say wow

chet how did you get all this a three

bedroom two bath and a bidet at the age

of 28 i'll tell you it comes easily

college internship nepotism my father

owns this building so yeah it helps hey

dad dad

voicemail

freezer picks up i'm not addicted to

adderall i'm addicted to the hustle the

hustle of finding adderall trent hit me

back on slack you [ __ ] i know you're

online oh what's that you probably

thought this was an equinox didn't you

nope

just my spare bathroom it's one i jerk

off hey dad it's me chet uh i can see

you from the loft yeah uh-huh looks like

you're not with mom but i miss you i

hope you and whatever the lovely lady

you're with are having a good time or am

i going solo to soho again

hey listen intern if you want to make it

to goldman you'll fix this [ __ ] latte

i haven't sweat this much since the

great depression you weren't alive for

the great depression no no not that one

the real one my jewel died last night

i don't know why all these people are in

line for the bowl when the bull's right

here clearly

i told my mom to give me a patagonia or

pataguchi as my boy connor on slack says

but she got me this broke ass north face

maybe i won't go to mother's day this

year after all ew and i thought my place

was small gotta get to one of these open

mics man yeah i'm thinking about getting

200 west tatted on my thigh right here

so when i wear some short shorts the

boys know i'm over at goldman sachs that

is i don't dream i execute

what year is this 2023 perfect who the

hell is this guy with the statue was he

the first owner of dogecoin than the one

dollar bill there's a one dollar bill oh

so who is he who's the president the

president what company saturday's used

to be for the boys but now

saturdays are for the bonds

oh are these wax what a small ocean

no not that one the one in my backyard i

thought it was like a loading dock for

ducks i don't get up when the sun is up

i get up when tesla stocks are up which

is always always not true i didn't wake

up yesterday it was bad elon tweeted

about it go on snl do something i don't

match on bumble i connect on linkedin

speaking of connecting rebecca congrats

on the new position speaking of

positions you want to do some sometimes

by the way you'll be on top just like my

portfolio on top god i gotta go to one

of these open mic nights mcallister

corbin did you not see my out of office

i'm wfh working from hamptons i don't

give a [ __ ] if it's west hampton it's

still hampton's in my book got an idea

an app where finance bros can meet other

finance bros at night over a couple

manhattans in manhattan like grinder

grinder what sock is that are they ipad

yet ipo ipo ipo

ipo

ipo free letters you see that boat right

there my father owns that boat just a

fun fact we haven't spoken for years

dear father just want to circle back and

follow up and see why you haven't

returned any of my calls warm regards

father just floating this to the top of

your inbox wondering why you haven't

called me back been four christmases

much love see you in the hamptons

sincerely chet mcallister alexa play

some dj d solomon

you want to see my portfolio no good i

wasn't going to show you anyways well

thad from goldman is up 62 on the year i

don't think this relationship is going

to excel dad from goldman knows all the

excel shortcuts it's kind of hot i only

date bold bracket girls anyways

who the hell is morgan and why is he

always with stanley put on wolf of wall

street learn something siri call fab and

tell him his portfolio [ __ ] i've seen it

wait are you actually calling him i

could use some advice on my portfolio

ask him if i should long or short amc

you guys are going to dinner tonight

well ask him there wait hold on why the

[ __ ] you guys going