Flashback Fridays | Mental Health | Laugh Factory Stand Up Comedy

so I feel like a failure all the time

every day I'm only 29 little young to

feel like a failure and you anyway

except friends 29 you're doing

remarkable things with their lives that

I'm not doing that guy Princeton 29

we're buying houses my friend Alison

called me up the other day she's like

Jake I'm buying a house I was like I

didn't know we were like to do that

that's awesome she's like you have a

30-year fixed-rate know IRA penalty and

I'm getting a K back from Obama on the

stimulus package and I was like wow

analyst then I am thrilled for you that

you know what that stuff means because I

yo Gert with a fork today

we're having fun

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I'm a white person so I'm clinically

depressed thank you very much very proud

of it very proud of it sometimes I get

depressed for vain reasons though which

I'm not so proud of like last winter I

got pressed because I could just tell

that I was gaining weight and its really

feel like right and like right I don't

know I knew that I was gaining weight

because my belt stopped fitting around

my neck the same way that it used to

what are we doing are we telling jokes

is that a suicide joke or a masturbation

joke

what's the difference we're dying we're

having fun oh man I think everyone's

crazy everyone especially people who

live in LA a lot of people don't want to

admit that they're crazy but you live in

LA and you drive a car you're out of

your minds let's say you're driving your

car totally normal you're totally

relaxed listen to something we can all

like like Phoenix who doesn't love that

you know what

then someone cuts you off and you're

like did you just cut me off chandelier

store le is very tough for me I will

[ __ ] your wife I will kill her mother

I'll eat your cat

love cats I'm a vegetarian but I was so

[ __ ] eat your cat don't you ever cut

me off and I hunt you down and [ __ ]

murder you and then literally all that

person in front of you has to do is roll

down the window put up the arm to say

sorry and you're like seems like a good

guy

he's funny on the way home from the

break up I actually got pulled over by a

cop who thought I was drunk

which was hilarious cuz like I've never

been drunk I've never done any drugs

someone offered me weed once they were

like Taylor just try it okay it will

open your eyes you will learn things

about yourself I'm like yeah no thank

you I already know I like Taco Bell

this job did not believe me though he

just kept asking he's like how much have

you had to drink have you been drinking

are you drunk and finally I was just

like no no I'm not drunk I'm a little

sad

is there a sad driving test

I don't even know what that would look

like like instead of a breathalyzer they

just have you sigh into a harmonica if

it's on pitch like you can't go home to

sad can't have that I'm gonna rise the

whole people coming around an idea

depression I think we didn't believe in

mental illness because white people took

it so serious they were like that [ __ ]

lakorn he I be sad chemical that's how

we felt originally but now I like autism

like my mom she didn't believe that [ __ ]

my first thought account all comics are

losers so like my first art comedy comes

used to come to you like hey Jack I'm

depressed I feel I'll feel worth it as a

person what should I do my life I'm like

I don't know [ __ ] go do a cartwheel on

some grass hey sorry [ __ ] chop

chewing away at me and I felt the same

[ __ ] bro like I remember I had to come

on mom

educate woman but your master's degrees

principal was like hey mom I'm depressed

yeah they got this yada yada that and

she went hot ironic that I got a

c-section just Oh twenty four years

later my son could come out of [ __ ]

[Applause]

and then she just hung up the phone and

I just sat there first thing I was like

damn man my mom is funny as hell boy she

got the Jews [ __ ] that was good timing

everything was there I like you you seem

to give me be like there's something to

fly when something that don't but I'm

enjoying the time being had how do you

mm-hmm 23 yeah

not in a weird way but it's like she's

right there like no one's up your early

twenties are fun [ __ ] you feel

invincible you feel like you could never

die you feel like I'm a legend I'm an

icon nothing can touch me do you hit

about 23 24 you're just like I don't

even know if I know how to read anymore

I don't know what happened bro I just I

was so confident now I just see no one

tells you just you be in the middle of a

[ __ ] target looking for pillows

eat just like oh oh this is [ __ ]

none of this is worth anything I'm just

an avoid that's wild like your parents

don't prepare you for a world just being

that's why there's so much anxiety with

people it's what everyone's be nervous

to [ __ ] cuz no one teaches no one that's

okay to not know you don't know that's

fine

no tuck we always teach our kids dumb

[ __ ] brush your teeth wear condoms

that's it whatever we should be tucking

in our kids good night baby you're my

queen you're my princess and you're my

star but I just won't let both of you

guys know that one day randomly you're

gonna both know that neither of you

matter

and nothing around you matter the kind

just floating through a space that we've

kind of cultivated to a point that we

think it makes sense but really we

should just be [ __ ] and raping and

pillaging but we just decided to make it

we decided to make it a stable universe

because [ __ ] didn't like that and so

now we're just kind of here so you know

good night having a panic attack find

out because of you cookin sweating I

thought it'd wear a hat and jacket look

cool now I just want to [ __ ] my pants

and so and this is crazy it's like

playing a video game on the hard level

of like throw this crazy lady who likes

you and you're [ __ ] do you go to

therapy you guy go to therapy do you go

to therapy now she shuts off scene let

the [ __ ] pros handle it

after a question that rocks her at her

core huh your good mother oh [ __ ] I

don't know [ __ ] I'm here to forget about

life a little bit talk about being

people over the dildo man I want a

[ __ ] face the reality of life I see a

therapist it's not a big deal I'm gonna

have to talk to my therapist about this

on Tuesday that's what happens

I go to my therapist and I talked to her

a lot of times either about how I get in

fights at Starbucks because I defend the

workers there I think they're good

people and people yell at them and I go

watch you leave it the [ __ ] alone man

you think you wanted to really mess up

your coffee to ruin your [ __ ] day

they look you go to a problem like I

would love to have a problem right now

and then they're like please calm down

and then I get a free coffee but it's

great that like they're mad at me and

then the guy leaves to like that was

great thank you but anyway I don't know

no I won't talk to my therapist about

you but I do see a therapist if you see

a therapist that's great if you if you

need to see one go see when they're

fantastic right I think on my therapist

favorite which I know is fun I know

you're not supposed to think that but I

think what my therapist goes through a

calendar and sees my name she's like oh

[ __ ] yeah Marty's coming today right

like she's excited she's excited she

wants to hear about my adventures in the

world right she gave me a great tip

though she said listen you've got

depression a great way to fight

depression is to join a gym okay it's

good to fight depression so I joined

export gym here in Chicago right but

when I was signing up the personal

trainer guy he was wearing like the full

sweat suits you know this guy was

[ __ ] in shape right he goes you got

to get our Platinum package it's a

little expensive but it's worth it

he's like you can have a personal

trainer at any time you want we're gonna

set your meal plans for you okay

also unlimited tanning then he went like

this like he blew my mind right I was

like yeah I don't know what about me

screams unlimited tanning but I don't

need it right I go listen I don't want

to bother you but I just want to pay the

1495 a month that was there was a guy in

the middle of Ashland Avenue almost

getting murdered by buses and cars

flipping the Little Caesars 1495 work

out sign I'm like he's risking his life

that's the deal I want then the guy got

all dejected he's like fine would over

you can have that one and as he was

filling it out he was just like just so

you know if you only pay 1495 a month

you can only come to this location and I

was like yeah I'm playing not even gonna

come to this looking we objected after

everything we've become such wimps we

have drugs in there for muscle cramps I

saw the commercial is Slade he's like oh

my arm hurts and they're like go take a

like a pin and I swear to you one of the

side effects was suicidal thoughts swear

to God

suicidal thoughts for a crimps you got a

cramp

I was like dude I got an idea instead of

like a big let me try this once in a

while yeah why don't you stretch out

maybe we won't have to worry about

blowing your brains out over a muscle

cramp suicidal thoughts that means if

you take like a pin you got to take like

antidepressants but one of the side

effects of antidepressants is muscle

cramps do L know what you do but you got

to do like every other day like am i

more sad more stiff I don't know

I'm sort of sad that I'm stiff it's sort

of a sad stiffness I'm stiff in sadness

I'm stiff within my sadness I'm sad

about my stiffness whatever you get it

I'm very concerned about celebrity chef

Paula Deen because her recipes are like

a suicide note you know we're gonna be

making some sweet dreams little balls of

butter shortening Crisco fat back

cracking Global suet ma cherie Mei Mei

young lay each day I wake to a fresh

nightmare pain is too great

I'm gonna roll in some granulated sugar

powdered sugar candy candy come gomez

snakes man toast hook is some don't look

for me I've made a plan and I will

follow through with it gonna drizzle and

some hot fresh heavy cream flavor cream

sour cream ice cream cake better

a bone Appetit goodbye I have been

severely depressed lately

I know I don't do it for pity I enjoy

being the press being the press is cool

man

being troubled you know like James Dean

chicks like that they look at you and

they go if I could just reach him I

could just change him I can bring any

happiness to them and here I go I as

long as you bring the breasts along with

that I'm here for you to help and assist

in any way that your breasts can come

for me

it's amazing how how just your visual

the males are you know women truly are

the higher because they fall in love

with their concept of them and they

finally know what the inside of the man

women you know I read cars morning

things like that when we go he talks to

me he looks at me when he's talking he

he's interested in the things I'm

interested in other words women fall in

love with the inside of the man and then

we we finally lower the outside visit

the outside isn't pleasing we're going

inside going inside is not let's go

isn't it you know eventually we will

fall in love with the patty on the

outside but inside has to realize

and then you got flying with people

that's the worst the plane with a cat

this little orange vest artistic therapy

I don't know what that is

I've seen one before go say where we're

at as our species I can't get through my

therapy cat he calms me down

but yeah you get it lady we need a

grown-up

blows we don't want something fairy to

cut when things get hairy sure an

airplane you lunatic hey and if the nine

prescription pill bottles in your purse

ain't getting into an airplane freaks

out over a vacuum cleaner

it's an airplane does not Noah's Ark

alright relax with the animals on the

airplane

it's got ridiculous couple weeks before

the murder airlines way get an emotional

support pink nobody saying anything go

through TSA with the bag that side real

true take off my shoes with the pigs

okay

lady was in Denver trying to play with

an emotional support peacock see that

movement how loop with some bees on the

plate with a 36 gallon aquarium fish

turbulence make sure you know where all

the middle of the wet t-shirt contest

has been sushi for lunch afraid to fly

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