April 12, 2024

Internet Comment Etiquette: "Avoiding Politics"



Published June 11, 2023, 7:20 a.m. by Jerald Waisoki


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In today's lesson, Erik catches a bad case of politics and needs the help of the internet to make him feel better!

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there is an epidemic of massive

proportion happening right now around

the world every day it spreads to

thousands and but no cure in sight it's

only a matter of time till everyone on

the planet is infected with politics

while we have endured outbreaks of

politics before this year looks to be

the one that may end us all because this

is an election year yeah I've already

caught it on full-on politics at this

point I'm checking all the polls how

about that caucus that [ __ ] was crazy

huh I watched the whole impeachment

trial the whole thing it was so boring

why did I do that

well it's cuz I've caught politics and

today I'm gonna show you some of the

best ways to quarantine yourself from

this illness so that you don't get sick

like me and maybe along the way I can

learn how to forget about this [ __ ] for

like ten minutes well let's see if we

can avoid politics and video games you

know what I better put on my face mask

so I don't get these guys shut the [ __ ]

up being mean I'll start again hello how

are you I'm doing well yeah okay maybe

you should shut the [ __ ] up yeah I hate

this [ __ ] game you know what [ __ ]

this game new game new year new game

alright there we go

octopus kid [ __ ] [ __ ] oh I broke did

it did it

all right so you're sick of politics I'm

sick of politics everybody's getting

sick all over the place and it's making

us all angry and tired why don't we

focus on the things that make us happy

unless you're a politician in which case

oil money's what makes you happy you

[ __ ] parasite no I'm sorry that's the

fever talking

anyway when I'm sick nothing makes me

feel better than a nice hot bowl of soup

how to eat chunky soup by feature man

and play I became somewhat addicted to

vegetable beef the soup the smaller cans

the regular size cans of vegetable leave

soon after friend of mine showed me how

he made vegetable beef soup every day oh

yeah this is what I needed just a sweet

older fellow telling you how to be

thrifty with your soups cabbage look in

there and this is a pretty low-cost meal

cabbage costs 59 cents a pound for ice

up god bless this man providing

sanctuary for folks who just want to see

something wholesome instead of worrying

about the state of the country for a

change thank you for joining me and

thank you for watching no politics here

this man is just too pure for me to

handle he deserves all the love we must

protect him no matter what the cost

is he in danger Iran wants to take a

soup away oh no don't don't do it guys

okay boomer I refuse to let Iran take a

super wife Europe is working to

eliminate Social Security and weaken

low-cost health care work to protect it

ah [ __ ] they did it they made it

political you're not protecting anyone

this joke is stale [ __ ] off Wow

that is so rude coming into this man's

comments section and just sneezing

politics all over the place and as you

can see in the later stages of the

infection the argument is just devolved

into calling each other gay well it

might be too late to stop the politics

from spreading in here but I'm still

gonna try god damn it yeah hey could you

guys knock it off with the politics

we're all here for the soup recipe not

to watch you relive Thanksgiving dinner

with your racist stepdad you idiots can

make a dog funeral political just

because the only synapses firing through

your smoothed out brain or poll numbers

and how everyone who doesn't like your

candidate is an evil shill that doesn't

mean you can come take a gross [ __ ] in

this comment section where other people

are just trying to learn how much

cabbage to put in their chunky soup

count me in the caucus crowd they have

all you've fired off in a deep space

where it'll take hundreds of years for

your transmissions of whining

hootenanny - reaches while you're up

there maybe you can search the endless

cosmos for a goddamn clue because the

only thing you're accomplishing right

here on earth is to make anyone with a

similar political standpoint is you

worried that maybe they sound like a bag

of dildos as well anyway to get this

[ __ ] back on track my favorite chunky

soup is clam chowder and don't vote for

Pete Beauty judge he's CIA and post oh

[ __ ] no I just spread politics right at

the end there - that's my bad that's

gonna affect a lot of people man I got

to be more careful in the future you

know what I need I need a hobby that'll

get my mind off politics you know I've

always wanted to be a poker player

there's just something about sitting

down at that table with your hands full

of chips looking at all your opponents

in the eyes and just playing a

gentlemen's game right there I could

smell the cigar smoke just thinking

about it you know what I'm gonna play a

quick hand follow me and there we are

hey there fellas fancy a game of poker

I'm on I'm on a [ __ ] probation right

now I'm not doing aa probation what are

you on probation for he's on purpose

ain't [ __ ] well what were you saying

same bad [ __ ] I'm done ah would you say

though I do not say anything

god I hate [ __ ] shut his life down

I'm gonna dock your [ __ ] ass I swear to

God if he lets me docks you out docks

the [ __ ] out here out of my hatred of

God I'll shut your whole life down I'm

gonna talk to your mommy and your sister

in his bother you gonna watch that's not

a presidential IP address I don't know

what that means all your pores on your

[ __ ] router or open you idiots they

are how do I close those I swear to god

I'm gonna docks the balcony stop stop

yeah listen to this old [ __ ] and that I

can let you know who what his name is

his real name is Oh which one I got a

lot of names oh I have to talk to you oh

nevermind don't do that just dachshund

let me dachshund crazy let it go let it

go you're not on the VPN by the way and

you're [ __ ]

what he's not on the VPN he's [ __ ]

wide open

Nord VPN comm / way I'll tell you I sure

wish I had been using Nord VPN comm /

big money just now and I could have

avoided this guy ransoming my dick pics

to me but I shouldn't be surprised

there's any website you visit nowadays

is keeping track of you and building a

profile to sell you your own version of

the Internet just take a look at CNN

which also happens to be one of many

news sites that acts as a disease

spreading vector for politics yeah just

a bunch of clickbait [ __ ] Eric fine

stepsister porn jerks off to it anyway

okay now that's a little specific

Eric Google's how to measure butthole

while shopping for pineapples you know

if I didn't know any better I'd say this

news website is using my data to push

very specific news stories I might be

interested in instead of just whatever

news they have available health bulletin

pineapples put in but found to dissolve

vital organs oh [ __ ] that's good to know

but hey wait I so don't like getting

specific news stories that's creepy so

let's see what happens when I turn on

today's sponsor nor VPN com / big money

and connect from an Italian server

OOP and refresh page and boom look at

that all the politics are quarantined in

this tiny little zone now CNN is no

[ __ ] idea who I am and all these

articles are just kind of like normal

waters near Thai island attract unusual

marine species oh yeah saving that [ __ ]

for later weird VPN com / big money has

thousands of servers in nearly 60

different countries and works on up to

six devices at once including Android

and iOS

holy [ __ ] here's what Fox News looks

like when you connect from France that's

just sexy photos of hunks can't beat

that now let's see what as when I turn

off Nord VPN America's top 5 deadliest

cities okay we got some cities in here

alright just five of them information

received and strapped in for these

comments happy Kwanzaa didn't do nothing

sigh obama licious obviously the FBI

crime stats are racist there is a

solution stop the social experiment the

police and all these cities know who the

criminals are just need a few laws

changed to allow them to function as

they were seventy years ago okay

everyone guess with the common

denominator is in all five cities it

isn't the honest there are many donuts X

in these cities I don't know what that

means but that's probably racist the

chunker's of spirit yep that's

definitely raises the more that die in

those cities the better off the world is

notice the racial makeup of these cities

that's racist nobody likes a Monde

oh well that's just someone saying that

nobody likes my wait a second let me

google that yap yap-yap that's racist -

son of a [ __ ]

all over about Democrats and Africans

Jesus all black goddamn that's a lot of

racism

well I better connect a North Vee peon

they'll calm slash big money in the city

they have an African server cool alright

well get er done here's my comment hola

bug chaser salvia here I'm quite

possibly the sickest person on the

planet and I'm coming for you being

within 10 feet of me is like running a

marathon in China without a face mask

better not let me in [ __ ] or I'm

gonna start sneezing all your [ __ ] I'm

gonna get your children so sick they

have to drop out of school which

probably means they'll live longer

considering how many of you fat American

[ __ ] they'll keep your guns unlock and

raise little psychos who don't

understand how to get bullied without

murdering everyone in the class I'm not

doing this for any political reason by

the way I just hate being healthy not as

much as you guys hate black people

though hey you know whatever floats your

boat which I'm guessing in your case the

boat would be Amistad not that I expect

you to get that joke because the only

history books you read were written by

Bill O'Reilly when he wasn't busy

loading vibrators up his ass like a

human PEZ dispenser while some poor

secretary had to listen on the phone

they're gonna get that joke either

because this whole comment is in Spanish

and Google Translate and here's two

little Rosetta Stone's with a big ol

penis coming out of it ham toast there

we go they'll never know who left that

comment except for the fact that I

filmed myself leaving it but nobody's

gonna know who the [ __ ] you are when you

go to North VPN com / big money for 70%

off a three year plan plus one month

free when you use coupon code big money

moving along every now and then you find

a topic that everyone hates so much that

it creates a herd immunity to politics

the goop lab with Gwyneth Paltrow so

what happens in a workshop everyone gets

off are you doing a shameful not my goop

scientifically unproven the show I

recommend everyone get a VPN and pirate

instead whoa that's not what you do with

VPNs

I had an exorcism oh wow I went through

years of therapy and five hours where

the peltro is short like shorter than an

old yeah she's a scam our Netflix is

running infomercials for fake medicine

scams now time to unsubscribe here we're

about to get Netflix in my household not

anymore

we all support pseudoscience and con

artistry time to cancel my Netflix

subscription this is dangerous this is

demonic I don't know if they know it but

they're playing with the devil here Wow

might actually have to cancel my Netflix

for making ads for scam jam I'm

seriously considering canceling my

Netflix subscription this showers for

Karen and just cancel my subscription I

will tell my friend to tell his friend

to unsubscribe the Netflix eyes you

could see Netflix really [ __ ] up on

this one everybody hates goop even if it

is for slightly different reasons but

we're all still here together and I hope

you can see how that leads to

friendliness which come on isn't that

something you want to see every now and

then on the internet well if so you're

gonna love this comment yo Netflix has

the best health shows I just got done

watching but hymen rejuvenation at home

with Oliver Platt a man they must have

paid Oliver Platt so much money to be in

this [ __ ] my favorite part was the

eight-minute continuous take in Episode

three where Oliver plots chair blows up

and he has to rejuvenate his butt hymen

with a spoon and an old watch before God

finds out listen if you think this goop

show is bad you're gonna hate the other

Netflix documentary called live forever

eat like a [ __ ] and it's all about

eating like a [ __ ] and never doing

anything tasting you'll live to be 200

years old pretty sure if I live 200

years without a hoagie I'd become a

serial killer so no thank you I'll stick

to what I learned from goop which is to

simply throw all of my money at insane

treatments to keep whatever's left of my

youth intact if I have to I'll start a

go fund me saying that my kid got in a

car accident and then got celebrities to

retweet it by pestering them with paid

sockpuppet accounts and when it hits the

goal I'm gonna spend it all on D aging

uterus face masks from goop worst case

scenario it doesn't work and I have to

go drink some kids blood or some [ __ ] I

don't know whatever the Clintons do with

them but I'm out of here cuz I just

popped a nut sorry post oh no I made it

political again oh my god - I gotta

leave you to them - way too much of a

liability on here let's see if we can

avoid politics somewhere else

like Twitter I mean look at this it's

kind of everywhere but what if they

muted all this [ __ ] huh check this out

we have muted words and just paste that

is literally every political word that

exists in the English language so I'm

going to go ahead and save that and

behold a Twitter without politics oh

it's it's just James Corden tweets I

don't even follow him and the only

hashtag is kpop all right well I hate

Twitter now so I guess the only website

we have left and not be political on is

reddit and that's a good thing

here's our slash videos and believe it

or not they actually have a no politics

rule built into this subreddit let's see

what's up at the top here john f

kennedy's private phone call chewing out

a military officer because the Air Force

purchased a five thousand dollar crib

for his baby oh oh very libertarian of

him wait until hears about Trump's golf

trips I'm sure he has an open mind now

woo meanwhile our current president has

spent over 200 million of taxpayer money

on golf trips just in his first term a

tournament still isn't over yet how

embarrassing to have gone from JFK to

Donald Trump Oh Jerry if Kerry was as

much of an embarrassment as Trump the

press just lacked him more he was killed

you've had a few decades to forget his

garbage goddamn it maybe there is no

avoiding politics online maybe maybe I

didn't make this video in time to help

anyone are we all infected I don't know

what to tell you guys I've been trying

to avoid this but if we're all infected

then I don't know what I'm doing telling

jokes I should be talking about politics

[Music]

well everyone and welcome to my politics

show as you may know we have a lot to

cover today so why don't we take a look

at the top items on politico.com oops

stupid autocorrect wait a second the

[ __ ] is this Sponge Bob Square nuts

[ __ ] you want me to do what Sponge

Bob give me a sponge baby sandy oh [ __ ]

how are we gonna do this I mean I can't

breathe underwater well lucky for you

sandy I'm a sponge I'm filled with air

so if you keep on sucking on me you'll

be able to breathe funny comedian says

this is pretty good wait till mr. Krabs

hears about this mm-hmm oh man oh well

what was I doing all right I was looking

at comments I think I'm on the wrong

episode I want to die somebody please

run me over with a tree this is it for

tonight Oh where's Gary Oh where's my

dad yes yes that laughs made me not

immediately well I bet I even looked

this up I can't believe that this was

the video that started me off watching

porn the manga was better I was in his

car yellow oh these comments are amazing

misty and Pikachu take on Ash's

pokeballs diga diga diga diga diga diga

diga to tika tika tika tika tika she did

her Judicature digga digga digga digga

how did get you Thanks what did she say

oh that I just had like a really big

date like I came but then I thought to

myself did I really Master Wayne doesn't

know that I watched this on the

bat-computer oh yes for tonight try not

to come challenge oh good Rahl it

actually worked

Thanks is it just me or it hurts what I

owe that [ __ ] is sexy about feet geez

drat at the end it really worked thanks

for the perfect time and it's women with

dick yes this is the cure Congrats

Oh arguing about gangbangs already at

this point I don't give a [ __ ]

Roy wag my dick off so hard to do Oh be

healed Jesus all right P Anthony

Bourdain I gotta be honest I'm 12 and I

want to suck your tits hey kid it's me

your history class stress dream don't

fill your test tomorrow [ __ ]

disgusting there ain't even related oh

oh I got to get out of this stupid

[ __ ] suit what is this [ __ ] behind me

get out of here get out of here

stupid politics

I can't believe I didn't think of this

sooner the answer is porn that's how you

avoid politics when you want to break a

fever I guess I don't need to do a

politic show after all now when I can

leave a comment on this 3d animation of

a dude getting blown by the ring girl

through a TV yeah my mind is just blank

right now this is great yeah you did my

comment I swear I busted so many nuts to

this I started channeling future nuts

that my balls haven't even generated yes

sir needs to come over here and fire

some particles through my dick because

I'm pretty sure there's a black hole in

there roll my jizz used to be speaking

of pure bliss it's so nice to see a

place on the Internet where nobody's

making anything about themselves or

their agendas we spend our time in this

connected plane of existence discussing

the worst in each other picking at

faults and Counting points for all the

times we draw blood but the truth is

we're all alone and anonymous there's no

way you can know everyone you talk to

online so we talk to each other as

strangers ripping each other's throats

out at the behest of people we want in

charge of protecting everyone next time

you find yourself ready to spend hours

and hours angrily trying to change some

stranger's mind in a reddit comment

section maybe stop for a minute and

think hey what if I jerk off instead and

that my friends is the cure to this

illness I promise your mind and soul

will be healed and you will head back to

the skullduggery of the internet fully

vaccinated against such worries and

heartbreak dog whistles and dog piles

forever may you stay calm and just

realize that the only opinions you

should ever care about are the ones that

the people you know outside this jerking

off of we call the Internet god bless

pornography and god bless america

host ah [ __ ] looks like a hit the

character limit like way early on in

that comment lost a lot of stuff there

that's okay though I still had a lot of

fun avoiding politics with all of you

hope you're all feeling better and now

that I know the cure to this illness I

can get as sick as I want what what you

mean

I buried your about Kirk Douglas huh Oh

God leave me alone they passed away I

know who that is yeah you know what I

actually don't know who that is either

so we've got an adult in the middle of

the table asking us how to close [ __ ]

ports and now you're asking us who were

voting for

ears what the [ __ ] are you doing here

doing in the middle of the table

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

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