April 13, 2024

Karl Pilkington's Got an Opinion on EVERYTHING | BEST OF Politics | Universal Comedy



Published June 11, 2023, 10:20 p.m. by Naomi Charles


Taken from his 2nd special POLITICS, the recent host of the 2020 Golden Globes and creator of The Office, Extras and AfterLife Ricky Gervais discusses sweatshops in third world countries, the fable of the two mice, nursery rhymes and everyone's favourite idiot Karl Pilkington

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I came here to change attitudes tonight

and I think I've done that

um I want to leave you with something

now to show that knowledge is power it's

a true story actually in them

we're talking earlier about third world

sweatshops and they really are awful

places and there's women and children

that are abused and they get literally

get a few Pence an hour and it's for big

conglomerate companies to make billions

of pounds and um

I was shopping with a friend of mine a

couple of years ago his name was Rob and

he had a sudden death in the family and

he had to get a suit for the funeral and

he was in a band and he was on the door

he didn't have a suit to his name we

went to these sort of cheap places in

Oxford Street and uh one bloke said oh

God a lovely suit um 29 pounds and I

thought what is this going to look like

I couldn't wait for him to have to buy

the suit I went over to it and it was

all right and I was gutted it was like a

classic sort of dark suit and it was

nice and um had a electric blue sort of

satin lining and he was made up so just

to piss on his bonfire I said wow if

it's that cheap and it's that well made

and it's not an assail it means

someone's been exploited he went what I

went yeah it's awful it's like women and

children exploited and you'll just be

adding to the problem right and he

didn't buy it and he went and sold a

guitar at record and tape exchange and

bought a suit for 150 quid and I felt

bad but then I thought well I was

probably right if you know they probably

have used like really all awful cheap

labor and so just by doing that and even

though it's one person's little change

if everyone changed it then we can all

you know what I mean make a difference

still 29 quid though

so I am he also told the one about the

uh boy you cried wolf

a boy looking after his sheep

gets a bit bored it is boring

just making sure you've got probably

Tire in as well because if you're

counting them you're probably getting a

bit drowsy aren't you anyway so it gets

a bit boy here nothing to do here in

the Bible

anyway so a long time ago and he goes um

uh it was just a Monday that's the worst

in it and he's just bored and he goes I

know what I'll have a laugh

and he goes uh

wolf wolf

and the villagers come out goes where's

the wolf very good now there's no wolf

you go oh yeah four

so next day so that worked a tree I'll

do that again

he goes

where's the wolf this time still no wolf

oh yeah oh

third day there really is a wolf and he

goes woof woof woof but the villagers

don't come because they don't believe

him and we were told the moral of that

is never tell a lie

no isn't

the moral of that is never tell the same

lie twice

terrible lesson for kids

nursery rhymes

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch

a pile of water Jack fell down and broke

his crown which I later learned meant is

Cranium

I've always out fell off for summer

and Jill came tumbling after and that is

a true Fable of the time of the I think

the 16th century about two illicit

lovers who used to go up to the the hill

out of the site of the villagers and

have it off behind their spouses back

what's the moral there for what don't

[ __ ] around with [ __ ] or you get your

head caved in

again

I've never worked out what the moral of

Humpty Dumpty is

I can only think of don't sit on a wall

if you're an egg

how is that applicable to an

eight-year-old human I don't

you mean I go well what's the ball there

don't sit on a wall if you're an egg

what

the puzzle of course I wouldn't

if you're an egg it's not gonna happen

is it what are their eggs reading that

going oh I'm just gonna jump up there

good job oh God but don't get on there

if you're an egg no why not read that

[ __ ]

don't send horses

to perform medical procedures

of course they couldn't put him together

again of course

it's obvious they haven't got the

dexterity

obvious I wouldn't have said them in the

first place

no it was an experiment don't experiment

they can't

they can't even scrub up they can't

if I ever got thumbs let alone opposable

thumbs they could they couldn't sew to

save their life they couldn't

if I had to design a perfect egg

crushing device it would be a hoof

it doesn't matter if they're king's

horses or steptoe's horse

but all the king's horse it certainly

don't send all of them

it's gonna be chaos

what if we'd have been invited by France

that day book comes running into the

bloke in Charlie was you in charge of

walking towards he's nothing yeah well

the French are coming what

where are all looking towards and all

things men the French are coming to

Dover they're quick where are they the

egg what what

the egg

what are you talking about I sent them

to mendoneg are you [ __ ] mental are

you mental

they can't mend an egg

also

I only know that he is an egg

from pictorial evidence

and he is clearly an egg

an egg

thing

an egg with eyes

things right trousers but

that's not mentioned in the whole thing

that would be the first thing I'd

mentioned never mind once right there

was an egg that could climb walls

yes that out

I know what

if your surname is Dumpty don't call

your firstborn Humpty

he's already an egg

look that's not enough for stigma

how's the baby it's an egg

just today oh really we're gonna call it

Humpty Dumpty well don't make it worse

don't

that is a wind-up that

just call him Johnny or something just

put a balaclava I'm just say the worst I

get is fatty Johnny

Humpty Dumpty the egg he's gonna get the

piss ripped out of him

probably jumped off the wall

has everyone heard of Carl Pilkington

because there's a bit he's my producer

on my radio show I just quickly but for

those who haven't heard of him um he's a

guy talking about attitudes he's a man

whose attitude hasn't changed from about

the age of five it's from Manchester and

you can ask him anything and he's got an

opinion on it it's usually they were

rubbish but

right example okay

um uh well just I tell them about doing

this show I said I'm doing a show called

politics he went why and you can't

answer it

and he said you want to talk about that

David blunkett I went why what's he

doing he went oh he's up to his old

tricks again

he's only gone and banned people having

sex in public

and I went

well yeah but surely that's a good thing

Carl and he went yeah but what he had

done if he could see

[Applause]

all right we were

we're once on air this was we were

talking about blind date you know things

of you had a blind date and halfway

through Carl just piped up and went I

went on a blind date once

we're drinking that

was she nice yeah she was really good

yeah it's really fun yeah it was great

did you see you again no

she had a problem with her I went what

Chevron without Mara a bone marrow oh

yeah she had a wasted disease so I

thought what's the point

on air and so I flushed I went and I

went oh god oh Carla she's listening

you're for it he went she'll be dead but

now

[Applause]

unbelievable I'll just tell you one more

before I go one more right

this was last year during Wimbledon week

again on air he said

did you watch any of Wimbledon last

night I went no

they let some little wheelchair fellas

ever go on setting the court little

wheelchair fellas

no irony right

and I went all right yeah any good he

went no a rubbish

I went

why went they couldn't get a rally going

and I went I went well can't be fair

they're in chairs on grass he went don't

put it on telly then

on there and I went oh wow I said uh

Everyone's entitled to be you know well

yeah well let them do something they can

do then

and I went foolishly I went like what

and he said

swing ball

good night thank you thank you

thank you

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