Ron Swanson, A Lifestyle (Vol. III) | Parks and Recreation

straight down the middle no hook no spin

no fuss anything more and this becomes

figure skating I think I might be able

to help you told you thank you all for

being here let's get started Wow great

attitude run sorry I was talking to

these ribs okay so the Valentine's Day

dance is I got 9 3 & 4 I have 11 12 13

14 15 16 17 18 and 19 oh I got I got

lucky

and I love riddles I used to work in a

sheet metal Factory but then a job came

along at the tannery the hours were

better and I would get paid also I'd

have the chance to work with leather

both before and after it was on the cow

which had always been a dream of mine I

didn't want to give up my sheetmetal job

so I tried to do both jobs and finish

middle school how old are you 11

the point is I was so tired I tried to

puncture an 8 gauge aluminum foil with a

leather all wow I learned a lesson never

half-ass two things whole last one thing

in a town of this size the parks

department traditionally has 10

employees you have only 7 ways that I

work hard to make sure my department is

as small and ineffective as possible it

reminds me of when my dad made me choose

which of my pet calves to slaughter with

my own hands for my 6th birthday I

couldn't choose so I slaughtered both of

them and they were delicious

if you're looking for someone to help

fill in for Leslie April's a pain in the

ass but she's clearly the answer perhaps

you're right

should I go no you're still here

yes Ron Swanson it is my pleasure to

inform you that you are a finalist for

the job of assistant city manager Chris

I feel I should remind you that I do not

believe that the position or the entire

government should exist that said you'd

be a fool not to pick me I will walk

deeper into the belly of the beast if it

means I'm able to further limit reckless

government spending I mean I have so

many ideas some are simple like take

down traffic lights and eliminate the

post office the bigger ones will be

tougher like bring all of this crumbling

to the ground all told we were in there

about six hours and no I was not

meditating I just stood there quietly

breathing there were no thoughts in my

head whatsoever my mind was blank I

don't know what the hell these other

crackpots are doing I am a lineman for

the county and the widget all

is still on the line what the hell

exactly bill what the hell you just

rear-ended me that is not what happened

but I got witnesses yeah and went down

exactly the way my girl said it did you

mean bald man hey what about you mister

uh a man's word is sacred well it is but

you're an ass well I've never been one

for meeting new people or doing new

things or eating new types of food or

traveling outside of southern Indiana

I've had the same haircut since 1978 and

I've driven the same car since 1991 I've

used the same wooden comb for three

decades I have one bowl I still get my

milk delivered by horse you do but you

and Leslie like to hold hands and jump

off a cliff together into the great

unknown you two have a good relationship

I don't personally know what that's like

but I am given to understand it means

you're gonna land on your feet so you

really want things to just stay exactly

the same but if Leslie wins you get my

old job assistant city manager right

seems that way

good luck to the both of us

every summer Leslie throws a barbecue to

thank the parks and maintenance staff

it's horrifying

barbecues should be about one thing good

shared meat there will be no froofy

desserts

there will be no giant soap bubble guns

there will be no adult men in costumes

and most of all there will be no

vegetables well Bryan can we at least

have corn on the cob No

ah Councilwoman in honor of your

never-ending quest to personally babysit

each and every American citizen I went

to paunch burger and got myself a number

two double bacon grenade deluxe hash

browns chili cheese fries and one

poached egg number two is right I also

picked up a 64-ounce sweetums sugar

splash damn it I love this country so

much I'm really glad that you're here

our political differences aside I am

about to go to my first committee

meeting as a City Councilwoman there's

something I need to say please don't I

know you hate feelings and emotions but

I would not be where I am if it wasn't

for you you hired me you've always

supported me how can I ever repay you

give me a refill let's keep it down out

there oh hello again Diane nobody

answered okay you know what someone will

be there shortly Andrew get your lunch

some water and a 40-pound bag of asphalt

okay boss what are we doing we're fixing

a pothole this is delicious I got it

from food and stuff so that's where we

got these gloves right so how exactly

are you gonna fix this hole just for my

own edification I dug the loose gravel

out of the hole now I'm using a

jackhammer to remove the larger pieces

then I'll spray down the hole to settle

the dust and fill it with cold patch

asphalt well thank you now I can fix the

next one myself

if you're here to complain about the

pothole I guarantee I did it correctly

actually I'm here to ask you out for

dinner really well I hope you're not the

kind of man who needs to ask the lady

out I'm a middle school vice-principal I

don't screw around does that freak you

out no on the contrary

so dinner please and thank you well

it'll be casual no need to wear makeup I

begrudging ly admit that the 3-1-1

program is a moderate success I'm still

not sure why the citizen decided to come

speak with me in person but I'm just

happy to see a government program

finally work so bored I have something

for you son wyfold no I'm giving you a

non-electronic book made of paper from a

tree it is called

auto repair manual 1982 you will read

this book from cover to cover

then you will assist me in repairing the

damage to my car I will not report you

to the judge but if you slip up again

you will have much more to fear than

some feeble government employee in a

robe thanks to more things when you do

get your phone back you will not stare

at it when you were talking with another

human being look a man in the eye when

you speak with him and second if you

ever need to discuss your problems with

someone find Leslie she lives for that

crap

get to work Hey am i interrupting

something important impossible I work

for the government I just picked up the

girls thought was stuff fine Diane and I

have been seeing a lot of each other

recently she is a sharp confident strong

woman her children are loud

[Applause]

[Music]

you just wanted to invite you to come

trick-or-treating tonight I think I'm a

little old we have to go by 7:00 you'll

be gone okay okay let's just even things

out there now neither of you has a tiara

problem solved

[Music]

you