Ellen Introduces Kids to the Technology of Yesterday

- I'M SURE YOU HEARD THERE'S LOTS OF STUFF

GOING ON WITH APPLE THESE DAYS, HUH?

THERE'S A NEW IPHONE 6 AND AN IWATCH AND--

DON'T GET EXCITED.

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING FOR YOU.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, SHE'S GONNA GIVE US ONE."

UH-UH.

I GOT NOTHING.

THEY ANNOUNCED SOMETHING THAT'S CALLED APPLE PAY.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT APPLE PAY?

IT LETS YOU BUY THINGS RIGHT THROUGH YOUR PHONE,

AND THEY'RE SAYING NOW

IT'S GONNA COMPLETELY REPLACE YOUR WALLET,

WHICH IS GREAT, 'CAUSE NOBODY EVER LOSES THEIR PHONE.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

NO PROBLEMS WITH THAT.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO CARRY CASH OR CREDIT CARDS ANYMORE.

AND I JUST WANT TO SAY,

I AM HAPPY TO TAKE THOSE OFF YOUR HANDS.

YOU DON'T NEED TO CUT THEM UP OR CANCEL THEM.

PLEASE SEND THEM TO ME

AT THE ADDRESS ON YOUR SCREEN RIGHT NOW.

DON'T FORGET TO INCLUDE YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME.

THANK YOU.

TECHNOLOGY HAS COME SUCH A LONG WAY.

IT'S CRAZY TO THINK ABOUT IT.

LIKE, A CHILD BORN TODAY

MAY NEVER KNOW ABOUT CASH OR CREDIT CARDS.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE THEY GONNA STEAL FROM THEIR MOM'S PURSE?

LIKE, CIGARETTES. THAT'S ABOUT IT.

I HAVE A LITTLE THREE-YEAR-OLD NIECE--

OR MAYBE SHE'S FOUR OR NINE.

SHE'S PRECIOUS.

AND I WATCHED HER GROW UP WITH THIS TECHNOLOGY.

IT'S AMAZING, 'CAUSE KIDS LEARN SO QUICKLY.

SHE USES THE IPAD

BETTER THAN ANY ADULT I'VE EVER SEEN.

SHE ALSO TRIES TO EAT IT, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

OBVIOUSLY, KIDS ARE GOOD AT TECHNOLOGY

'CAUSE THEY GREW UP WITH IT, BUT THEN I THOUGHT,

"WELL, WHAT IF I INVITE A FEW KIDS HERE,

"AND I INTRODUCE THEM TO SOME THINGS

THAT I GREW UP TO SEE IF THEY WOULD RECOGNIZE IT?"

SO FIRST I INTRODUCED THEM TO THE VERY FIRST CELL PHONE.

- SO, REBECCA AND TRE,

I BROUGHT AN ITEM,

AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT THIS IS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

- A PHONE. - I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

AND IT'S NOT ANY ORDINARY PHONE.

IT'S A OLDEN TIME PHONE.

- YEAH, THEY USED THAT BACK IN THE DAY.

- BACK IN THE DAY.

WHEN YOU SAY "BACK IN THE DAY"

AND YOU SAY "AN OLD TIME PHONE,"

HOW LONG AGO DO YOU THINK THIS WAS USED?

- OH, 100.

- 100 YEARS AGO?

- YEAH, IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE NO FACETIME.

- NO.

I MEAN, YOU COULD DO IT,

BUT NO ONE WOULD SEE IT.

YOU'D JUST BE TALKING RIGHT INTO THE PHONE.

- AND, LIKE, IF SOMEBODY WALKED IN,

THEY WOULD BE, LIKE, "WHY ARE YOU TALKING INTO A PHONE?"

- RIGHT, AND THEN THEY'D HAUL YOU AWAY

AND PUT YOU IN THE LOONY BIN.

- YEAH. - LOONY BIN?

- YEAH, YOU KNOW.

TRYING TO HELP THEM LEARN.

AND THEN I--

[applause]

I INTRODUCED THEM TO THE TYPEWRITER.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

both: UM...

- FIRST YOU HAVE TO FIND THE ON BUTTON.

- UH... - THIS?

I DON'T SEE...

- NO. HMM.

HMM. HMM.

- ALL RIGHT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TURN IT ON.

JUST PUT THAT IN. I'M JUST KIDDING WITH YOU.

OKAY.

[snores]

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE A CALL ON THAT THING?

- MM-MM.

- I'LL SHOW YOU.

HELLO? HELLO?

[both laugh]

OKAY, YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.

THAT'S HOW YOU WOULD DO IT.

DO YOU TYPE A LOT?

- YEAH.

- WHAT DO YOU TYPE?

- I WORK ON SCRIPTS.

- YOU WRITE SCRIPTS.

- YEAH.

- WHAT, LIKE A MOVIE SCRIPT? - YEAH.

- WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE MOVIE SCRIPT

THAT YOU'RE WORKING ON?

- "THE LOST ISLAND."

- "THE LOST ISLAND." WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

- WELL, IT'S ABOUT--

I GOT INSPIRED BY "INDIANA JONES."

IT'S ABOUT THESE TWO ARCHAEOLOGISTS

THAT HAVE TO FIND THE LOST ISLAND.

THE LOST ISLAND IS WHERE YOU CAN GET

THE POWER OF MOTHER NATURE ITSELF.

- PEN.

ARCHAEOLOGISTS ARE-- THEY'RE--

- TRYING TO FIND THE LOST ISLAND.

- I NEED THAT TYPEWRITER REAL QUICK.

- AND IF YOU FIND THE TEMPLE OF THE LOST ISLAND--

- [gasps]

- THEY'RE TRYING TO FIND WHAT?

- THEY TRY TO FIND THE TEMPLE

OF THE LOST ISLAND.

- SLOW DOWN. SLOW DOWN.

TEMPLE OF THE LOST...

- ISLAND.

AND WHEN THEY-- AND THEY WILL GET THE POWER

OF MOTHER NATURE IF THEY--

- THEY'LL GET THE WHAT?

- THE POWER OF MOTHER NATURE

IF THEY FIND THE TEMPLE,

BUT THE JEWISH ARE PLANNING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

THE JEWISH ARE PLANNING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD

IF THEY FIND IT.

- THE JEWISH ARE PLANNING ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD?

- YEAH. IF THEY FIND THE...

- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

[cheers and applause]

AH.

OBVIOUSLY, HE GOT CONFUSED.

IT WAS A REFERENCE TO "INDIANA JONES."

AND HE ASSURED ME ONE OF HIS BEST FRIENDS IS JEWISH.

[laughter]

FINALLY, MOST PEOPLE USE VOICE MAIL NOW,

BUT HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED

WHEN I BROUGHT IN AN OLD ANSWERING MACHINE.

TELL ME WHAT THIS IS.

- IT'S LIKE A RADIO, BUT IT HAS A SPEAKER

SO YOU CAN TALK THROUGH.

- IT WAS A RECORDING MACHINE,

SO IF SOMEONE CALLED AND YOU WEREN'T HOME,

THEY WOULD LEAVE A MESSAGE.

LIKE, HERE. YOU'RE CALLING ME.

AND THEN I'LL LEAVE THE MESSAGE.

HI, IT'S ELLEN.

I'M NOT HERE RIGHT NOW.

LEAVE A MESSAGE, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- OKAY. - BEEP.

OH, IT DIDN'T-- I DIDN'T GIVE YOU ENOUGH TIME.

OKAY, LET ME TRY IT AGAIN.

HEY, IT'S ELLEN.

I'M NOT HOME, BUT IF YOU LEAVE A MESSAGE,

I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- HI.

CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE.

- BEEP.

[laughs]

I DIDN'T LEAVE ENOUGH TIME. OKAY.

HEY, IT'S ELLEN.

I'M NOT HOME.

LEAVE A MESSAGE, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- UM...

- BEEP.

HI, IT'S ELLEN. I'M NOT HOME.

LEAVE A MESSAGE, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- HI.

CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU CAN.

- BEEP.

YOU DIDN'T SAY YOUR NAME.

TRY IT AGAIN.

HEY, IT'S ELLEN. I'M NOT HOME.

LEAVE A MESSAGE, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- HI, IT'S REBECCA. CALL ME BACK.

- BEEP.

- [laughs]

- THIS IS ELLEN.

LEAVE A MESSAGE, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- HI, IT'S REBECCA, AND CALL ME BACK.

- BEEP.

YOU HAD A LOT MORE TIME.

- [sighs]

- YOU HAD SO MUCH MORE TIME.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY--

WE'LL LET WILLIAM TRY IT.

HI, THIS IS ELLEN.

LEAVE A MESSAGE, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- HI, THIS IS WILLIAM--

- BEEP.

- AND I--

- BEEP.

- OH, REALLY?

- HI, THIS IS ELLEN.

LEAVE A MESSAGE, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- UM... - BEEP.

- REALLY?

- HI, THIS IS ELLEN. I'M NOT HOME.

LEAVE A MESSAGE, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- HI, THIS IS WILLIAM, AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

- IF YOU'RE GONNA CALL ME BACK, WHY'D YOU LEAVE A MESSAGE?

- [laughs]

- OH.

[all laugh]

- THIS MACHINE IS SO COMPLICATED.

- I KNOW. IT'S JUST SO COMPLICATED.

THAT'S WHY THEY GOT RID OF IT.

WE HAVE TO WRAP IT UP, BECAUSE I HAVE TO GET GOING.

YOU HAVE A MICROPHONE.

GO AHEAD AND SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY

OR SING WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SING.

- UM...

- BEEP. OH.

- [groans]

- WHAT?

OKAY, THIS THING DOESN'T WORK.

- WHAT DO VOLCANOES EAT FOR DINNER?

- IS IT "ASHED POTATOES?"

- NOPE. PAINT DROPS.

- [chuckles]

- BEEP.

- AWKWARD.

- [laughs] OKAY, YOU TWO KIDS.

IT'S BEEN LOVELY TALKING TO YOU.

I'LL WALK YOU OUT.

- OKAY.

BYE, EVERYONE.

NICE SEEING YOU.

- BYE.

- AH.

I LOVE THOSE KIDS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.