Old Home Movies - SNL

>>> ALL RIGHT.

I PUT ALL THE FOOD AWAY, AND NOW

MY KITCHEN IS CLEAN.

PLEASE NOBODY GO IN THERE AND

MESS IT UP.

>> YES, MOM.

>> NOW, WHAT ARE YOU ALL

WATCHING?

>> SOME OLD HOME MOVIES?

>> WAIT, WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> HEY, KIDS, IT'S ME, DADDY.

IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS, THAT

MEANS I'M ALREADY DEAD.

>> WHAT?

WHERE'S DAD?

>> HE'S UPSTAIRS ON THE TOILET.

>> WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS TAPE?

>> NOW I HID THIS TAPE IN A BOX

LABELED "FOOTBALL HIGHLIGHTS" SO

YOUR MAMA WOULDN'T WATCH IT.

THERE'S SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO

TELL YOU KIDS.

MAYBE WE SHOULD TURN THIS OFF.

>> SHH, I WANT TO HEAR THIS.

>> OKAY, SO BY NOW THE LAWYERS

HAVE PROBABLY INFORMED YOU THAT

I AM FLAT BROKE.

>> BROKE?

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO OUR

SAVINGS?

>> I WAS TOO EMBARRASSED TO SAY

ANYTHING.

NO MAN WANTS TO HAVE TO TELL HIS

FAMILY, "I BLEW MY WHOLE

RETIREMENT ON JB SMOOVE'S NEW

SPORT BETTING APP."

>> ALREADY?

I JUST DOWNLOADED THAT FROM HIM

LAST WEEK.

>> WALTER, GET IN HERE!

>> NO, MOM, WE CAN'T LET DADDY

KNOW WE SAW THIS.

IT WILL EMBARRASS HIM.

>> AYE, NOW, DON'T WORRY ABOUT

MY FUNERAL.

>> ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS PAY FOR

IT.

>> NO IDEA WHAT TOOK ME OUT.

COULD HAVE BEEN THE RONA,

MAYBE BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HAD A

GLASS OF WATER SINCE 2003.

COULD HAVE BEEN JB SMOOVE COMING

TO COLLECT.

[ TOILET FLUSHING ]

>> IS THAT A TOILET?

>> TURN THIS OFF.

DAD MUST BE COMING DOWN.

>> THAT WAS -- THAT WAS ONLY HIS

FIRST FLUSH, WE GOT ABOUT

20 MINUTES.

>> LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE, WHAT

ELSE?

OH, I ALSO HAVE A SECRET

DAUGHTER.

SHE PROBABLY BE AT MY FUNERAL

>> NO, NO, NO.

IT'S NOT HOW YOU THINK.

I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON YOUR

MOTHER RAW.

>> EWW.

>> TRUTH IS, I WAS A SPERM DONOR

BACK IN THE DAY.

YEAH, BUT I NEVER WOULD HAVE

DONE THAT HAD I KNOWN THAT THEY

WAS GOING TO USE IT TO MAKE

BABIES.

>> WHAT DID YOU THINK THEY WERE

GOING TO USE IT FOR?

[ TOILET FLUSHING ]

>> AND TO MY ONLY SON,

WALTER JR.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR PASSING

DOWN THE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

>> EWW!

>> WHAT?

I DON'T HAVE THAT.

>> YOU MAY NOT HAVE IT RIGHT

NOW.

BUT YOU DEFINITELY WILL.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE MY SON,

YOU UNDERSTAND?

SO I'M LEAVING YOU THIS HERE

SPECIAL PUMP.

I PUT THE GOOGLY EYES SO IT SO

THE GIRLS WON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

NOW -- IT MAY NOT GET YOU ALL

THE WAY THERE.

BUT CERTAINLY, IT WILL GET YOU

CLOSE ENOUGH.

>> CAN YOU FAST FORWARD PAST

THIS PART?

>> LOOK.

MAYBE I WASN'T THE BEST DAD.

OR THE BEST HUSBAND.

BUT I WANT YOU KIDS TO KNOW I

TRIED MY VERY BEST.

TO WRITE THE GREATEST CRIME

DRAMA HOLLYWOOD HAS EVER SEEN.

>> CRIME DRAMA?

>> DAD WROTE A MOVIE?

>> IT'S CALLED "DALLAS CITY

BOUNCERS."

>> WHAT THE HELL IS "DALLAS CITY

BOUNCERS"?

>> OH GOD, NOT THIS STUPID

MOVIE.

>> OPEN ON WINDY DALLAS NIGHT.

LONE SAXOPHONE CRIES OUT IN THE

DISTANCE.

CAMERA REVEALS DETECTIVE

RICO TREMAINE, PLAYED BY THE

BROTHER FROM "DJANGO UNCHAINED,"

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

>> JAMIE FOXX.

>> YOU KNOW, THE MAIN BROTHER,

THE ONE THAT PLAYED RAY.

>> JAMIE FOXX.

>> HE WAS ON "THE JAMIE FOXX

SHOW."

YOU KNOW, I'M TALKING ABOUT THE

MAIN GUY.

>> JAMIE FOXX!

>> YOU KNOW, I CAN'T WITH THIS

MAN.

JUST FAST FORWARD PAST THIS

MOVIE IDEA, PLEASE.

>> YOU KNOW, WITH THE MONEY FROM

THE DVD SALES, YOU SHOULD BE

ABLE TO PAY BACK JB SMOOVE ONCE

AND FOR ALL.

>> I THINK THAT'S THE SHOWER.

>> I THINK WE HAVE MORE TIME.

PRESS PLAY.

>>, WANT YOU KIDS TO

GIVE THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO

YOUR MOTHER FOR ME.

>> NO, WHAT, HOLD ON NOW, I WANT

TO HEAR THIS.

>> BABY, WHEN I MET YOU, YOU

WERE THE SMARTEST, MOST

BEAUTIFUL GIRL AT THE DISCO.

AND I WAS JUST SOME LONELY

BACKUP SINGER FOR THE

COMMODORES.

I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU, I WAS

NEVER A BACKUP SINGER FOR THE

COMMODORES.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR FATHER

LIED TO ME.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE HE GAVE ME

EREC TILE DYSFUNCTION.

>> I HAVE SOMETHING VALUABLE IN

A TOP SECRET LOCATION.

BUT BEFORE THAT, LET ME TELL YOU

ABOUT "DALLAS CITY DANCERS 2,

RICO'S REVENGE"

>> JUST FAST FORWARD.

>> WHAT'S HIS NAME?

HE SINGZ R&B TOO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

♪