The Marx Brothers "Monkey Business" (1931) Full Movie!!

[Music]

what is it

sorry i have to report there are four

stories in the forward hatch don't

always

how do you know there are four of them

well i was saying sweet adeline well get

them out of there you hear

but we can't find them and besides them

in writing insulting notes

so i'm an old goat am i listen to me

find them if you have to clear out that

whole hatch yes sir

oh captain when did we get here

wednesday why i beg your pardon when i

thank you

[Music]

me

[Applause]

ah this is the only way to travel boys

the only way i was going to bring along

the wife and kitties with the grosser

couldn't spare another barrel

i was going to bring my grandfather but

there's no room for his bed why don't

you send for the old swine and let his

bed come later

i sent for his beard you did yeah it's

coming by hair mail

say tell us i think i hear someone well

if it's the captain i'm going to have a

few words with him

my hot water's been cold for three days

and i've got room enough in here to

swing a cat

in fact i haven't even got a cat my

grandfather can swing a cat

hey that'd make a good job for him yeah

come on man hey someone

come on guys coming up listen fellas

we're going to find those skull ways and

when we do we'll put them in iron by

either

take a look in behind those cases you

fell us up behind those boxes

never mind the barrels hi sir

what's that i just said i i sir never

mind that find those man aye aye sir

they're not here sir oh yes they are

push all this stuff up on deck

get these valves out of the way well sir

all the way up there

[Music]

hurry up with that sling well you'll

never find him standing around this way

yes sir

are you looking back at those bales you

look in those boxes yes sir

all right boys

make it snappy up there

[Applause]

hey

[Music]

right

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you think

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[Applause]

no

behind those lifeboats

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wow

oh captain tell us about the stowaways

oh i'll have them in the brig

before long that's terribly romantic i'd

love to meet a stallway

hey you are these your gloves i found

them in your trunk you guys go to your

rooms i'll be down shortly who are you

are you the flow off of this ship i want

to register a complaint why what's the

matter matter enough you know who's

sneaking into my state room at three

o'clock this morning who did that nobody

that's my complaint

i'm young i want gate he left a hot shot

shot i want to dance

i want to dance full of cars what do you

mean by this another thing i don't care

for the way you're running this boat why

don't you get in the back seat for a

while and let your wife drive

i want you to know i've been captain of

this ship for 22 years 22 years eh

if you were a man you're going business

for yourself i know a fella started only

last year with just a canoe

now he's got more women than he could

shake a stick out of that's your idea of

a good time one more word out of you and

i'll throw you an iron you can't do it

with irons it's a masher shot

it's a masher shot if the windows

against you know the wind is and i am

and how about those barrels down below

by roof yeah i wouldn't put a pig them

on those barrels now if

no not even if you go down on your knees

and here's your gloves you would take

them wouldn't you

and keep away my office i'll stay here

you

how dare you invade the sanctuary of the

captain's quarters i thought he was a

captain hey i'm hungry i'm gonna look

for something to eat

i'll take care of that hello senate the

captain's lunch

hey dude set up his dinner too who am i

on the captain you want to choose

upsides

oh engineer will you come to stop the

boat from rocking i'm going to have

lunch

well what's the matter with you what's

the matter with me i'm hungry i didn't

eat in three days

three days we've only been on a boat two

days well i didn't eat yesterday

i didn't eat today and i'm not going to

eat tomorrow that makes it three days

well state your business i've got to

shiver my timbers

i come up to see the captain's bridge

captain's bridge i'm sorry he always

keeps in the glass of water while he's

eating

would you uh like to see where he sleeps

i saw that that's the bunk

you're just wasting your breath and

that's no great loss either a fine

sailor you are

you bet i'm a fine sailor you know my

whole family was the sailors

my father was a partners with columbus

well what do you think of that man

your father in columbus were partners

you bet columbus has been dead for 100

years well they told me it was my father

well i'll just hop up there little

johnny and i'll show you a few things

that you don't know about history

now look now there's columbus that's

columbus cycle

would you mind getting up off that

flight paper and giving the flies a

chance

oh you're crazy flies can't read papers

now columbus sailed from spain to india

looking for a shortcut

oh you mean strawberry shortcut i don't

know

when i woke up there was a nice taking

care of me what's the matter couldn't

the noise take care of herself

you bet she could but i found it out too

late well enough of this let's get back

to columbus

i'd rather get back to the noise throw

it on but columbus was sailing along on

his vessel

on his what not on his watt on his

vessel don't you know what vessel is

sure i can vessel

you suppose i could buy back my

introduction to you well one night

columbus sailor started to mute me

no no mutinies at night they're in the

afternoon you know mutinies wednesdays

and saturdays

that's my argument respect immigration

all right

well of all the colossal influence why

don't you stand up can't you see he has

no chair

you you better keep quiet we're a couple

of big stockholders in this company

stockholders huh

well you look like a couple of stowaways

to me well don't forget my fine fellow

at the stockholder of yesteryear

is the stowaway of today well you look

exactly like them

yeah what do they look like one of them

goes around with a black mustache

so do i if i had my choice i'd go around

with a little blonde

i said one goes around with a black

mustache

well you couldn't expect a mustache to

go around by itself don't you think a

mustache ever gets lonely captain hey

sure it gets so lonely hey when my

grandfather's beard gets here i'd like

it to meet your mustache

well i'll think it over i'll talk it

over with my mustache tell me as your

grandfather's bed got any money

money why it fell here to a fortune now

listen

stockholders or no stockholders you

clear out of here all right

hey maybe there's somebody in that room

somebody in that closet there

and i think it's you captain

well now we can eat in peace all right

here's a piece for you hello baby

hey captain how dare you enter the

captain's quarters while i'm eating

sorry sir

now i got you

don't forget the book

[Music]

you know there's a mighty pretty country

around here i've i beg your pardon

fought me is this yours why no

[Music]

you sure i'm positive

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is this yours yes it is

well as i was saying there's a mighty

beautiful country around here these are

lovely oh you bet they are

i love

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

give me

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

me

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

i'm out of there

i want to report i found the gibson

you've been drinking again and you know

what my orders were

but those stowaways i just caught one of

them in there stowy huh

yes there he is i thought so go to your

quarters

[Applause]

that's a dummy come with me

first officer i'm telling you that's him

this has gone far enough

get up your quarters

i think you're right i know you're right

me

and would you like to have anything

before lunch yes breakfast

why nobody eats in here i though

mustard's no good without roast beef you

want your nails trim long

oh about an hour and a half i got

nothing to do hey you're a nice looking

gal all right

you got it thank you and you can keep it

yeah it's a nice scale man somebody's

coming

come on boys

your next cat say listen i'm looking for

a couple of mugs

no no say you boys look on bj all right

well how about a shade huh

sure give me a once over once over

father

no a shame i'm in the face all right say

wake me up when he get through

it we take care of you all right

[Music]

we take it to tonsils last i think we

work with the mustache voice

give a little snow

this side's too long give me a little

snoop at this side

now this side is a too short that's a

too short that the other side isn't too

long snoop

that's the better but the side that

wasn't too short now is it too long and

the side that's too long was it too

short

i think you gotta give me one more

muscle

i think we better measure

it's about a foot too much hey no

the measure is a foot for much

now it looks much better it can stain

the one more snoop in the middle i think

in the middle i want to snoop

that's fine that's a very good i think i

think

it's a little bit rough right there i

fixed that

hey you know i'm never going under this

boat again the food is no good

of course i know each yet but even if i

don't eat i like the food

one more snoop

ah that's so beautiful eh that's what he

called away car

hey you know i think you're getting a

lot of snoop too much

and i want you to know i'm fed up on

your alibis oh

take it easy you're getting all excited

you know where do you think you're going

never mind i'm running this racket

just stay here and keep out of sight

like i told you

oh no you don't now listen to me mr elky

briggs

you can't keep me cooped up like this i

played second fiddle on this ship

long enough now you listen

i'm not after any games i'm after joe

helped my teddy

and he can't get away from me on this

boat he's gonna put his okay on my gang

or he's gonna get this

hey who are you i'm the tailor

oh that reminds me where are my pants

you've got them on

now part me while i step into the closet

and get a load of this

if you come in again at three o'clock in

the morning ah stop bothering me

tell her to the tailor okay okay

say what are you doing in there nothing

come on in you can't stay in that closet

well i can't can i that's what they said

to thomas edison mighty inventor thomas

lindberg mighty flyer and tomaszewski

mighty like a rose

just remember my little cabbage that if

there weren't any closets there wouldn't

be any hooks and if there weren't any

hooks there wouldn't be any fish

and that would suit me fine

don't try to hide i know you're in that

closet

did you see me go in the closet no am i

in the closet now

well no then how do you know i was in

the closet your honor

i rest my case

give me a brown eye oh no you're not

going to get me off this bed

i didn't know you're a lawyer you're

awfully shy for a lawyer you bet i'm shy

i'm a shyster lawyer

well then what do you think of an egg i

know you're a woman who's been getting

nothing but dirty breaks

well we can clean and tighten your

brakes but you'll have to stay in the

garage all night

i want excitement i wanna

[Music]

you don't realize it but from the time

you got the marriage license i've lived

a dog's life

are you sure he didn't get a dog's

license oh well he can't make a fool of

me

i want to go places i want to do things

i want freedom i want somebody

madam you're making history in fact

you're making me and i wish you keep my

hands to yourself

oh you know what i want i want life i

want laughter i want dairy

adam before i get through with you you

will have a clear case for divorce and

so will my wife

now the first thing to do is arrange for

a settlement you take the children your

husband takes the house junior burns

down the house you take the insurance

and i take you but i haven't any

children that's just the trouble of this

country you have any children and as for

me

i'm going back in the closet where men

are empty overcoats

or brown eyes

sir this is an outrage breaking into a

man's home

i'm not in the habit of making threats

but there'll be a letter about this in

the time tomorrow morning

yeah but you won't read it cause i'm

gonna lay you

out pretty oh you're gonna lay me out

pretty eh that's the thanks i get for

freeing an innocent girl

although she is hiding in the closet at

the moment has promised to become the

mother of her children

and with that sir i bid you a fun

farewell good day sir

good day

come out of there i want to talk to you

i'm sorry but we're using the

old-fashioned iceman and we find him

very satisfactory for keeping the house

warm

just as i thought you're yellow grabbing

at a woman's skates i'm wise i'm wise

you're wise eh but what's the capital of

nebraska what's the capital of the chase

national bank

give up you now i'll try you in an easy

one how many frenchmen can't be wrong

i know you're alone and so is she but

don't be discouraged with a little study

you'll go a long ways and i wish you

start now

do you see this gang cute isn't it santa

claus bring up for christmas

i got a fire engine listen mug do you

know who i am now don't tell me

are you animal event animal get this

i'm elky briggs and i i'm the fellow who

talks so much fancy meeting you here

after all these drinks

wait a minute sorry i can't stay the

captain's waiting to chase me around the

door you can stay all right

until i finish with you i'll keep going

please

don't darling me get in that next room

and stay there

get in that next room

oh i'm not good enough for it am i

is there anything you've got to say

before i drill you

yes i'd like to ask you one question go

ahead

you think that girls think less of a boy

if he lets himself be kissed i mean uh

don't you think that although girls go

out with boys like me they they always

marry the other kind

well all right if you're going to kill

me hurry up i have to take my tonic or

too

say i can use a guy with your nerve

i think we could get along well together

well of course the first year we might

have our little squabbles but then

that's inevitable don't you think and

what do you want here

if i was uh i was just looking for him

do you know this guy why i've known him

for years he used to live in the next

battle to me

oh i see the stowaways

say i can help you bozos mr bozo see you

all right mr bozo and you can help me

i'm short-handed and i want to get a guy

on this boat

well it's too late to get him on now you

should have said something before we

sailed

listen this is an appleby deck there's

joe hilton state room

and he's a tough egg and you're coming

with me

while i have it out with joe

say do you know who joe hilton is i

think i'll get off this boat until this

blows over

if you know what's good for you you'll

stick with me

now you keep the windows covered while i

go in now move

[Music]

is

[Music]

[Laughter]

[Music]

okay

[Music]

what is the idea of this that's all

right i make a move for you

why this is an outrage i'll call the

captain captain don't play chess

person come here come here too much

come in

yes you got sir thanks

wait a minute

oh thank you

oh dad now look at you you won't even

rest here

you can do all the dressing for the

family mary old joe hilton has taken

things easy for the rest of his life

we have big shots now baby

come in

hello joe hello briggs what do you want

oh i just wanted to have a friendly talk

you know i'm sort of worried about

business step in the other room baby oh

but daddy run along honey

new kid

she's cute isn't he i don't think we've

got anything to talk about

get out not before i get your okay on my

gang i'm not doing you any favors oh yes

you are

they're gonna sign this

i'm taking over your territory or

there's going to be

trouble i am taking no sides you'll have

to fight it up with butch in the gang

i'm stepping into your shoes as boss i'm

not backing up in a small

time chiseler ah don't put on the ritz

with me

they don't get cocky with me briggs i'm

talking turkey you can't make all the

dough and then run out on your pals

i'm not taking orders from a mug like

you

scram so that's your answer huh oh

here's money

take out your gang with yay i'll get you

later

who are you guys what are you doing in

my room

as my partner but he not speak he's

dominant off

you guys don't know it but you just

scared a pretty tough egg out of this

room

so we're a couple of tough guys you want

to make some money money

money hey peter this muscle pillar is

all right all right how much you pay

well i'll just cut up for you well you

pay a little bit to a little bit

off you pay very much very much tough

you pay too much with too much at all

how much you pay

i pay plenty well then we're plenty

tough and we saw you though

hey partner show them i thought we are

see that's nothing that's free now we

give you the real stuff this time

hey come on put some pep in it the one

two uppercut you know i'm the button

no no no downstairs a button opens

there's a

that's a bottom all right i tell him

you're talking you're punched like a

lily what's tomorrow for you you want to

lose this job

give him the stuff this time excuse me

boss he's gonna do much better but you

know what he's good today you see he

don't get paid when i get paid you're

watching

come on this time we're giving the ones

come on hurry up under the bottom this

time come on i tell you one of the boys

come on

hurry up come on give me the punch come

on come on come on all right come on

punch

hey that's enough weight well what do

you think of us you're great

not so loud you want him to get a slow

head you guys are plenty tough all right

i'm spying on you you're just the fellas

i need

you're hired

hey we're great eh you're great sure my

partner's great he's great my

grandfather's great he's a great

grandfather

when hilton comes out of his room

plugging yeah what did we plug him with

didn't i give you two cats well we had

to drown the gas but we saved you a

little black kitten

here take these and hang on now

don't leave me for a minute and keep

your eye on that guy that just went out

of here

now you understand anybody come near the

bus let them have it

you're all right now boys anybody comes

near you hey that's tomorrow for you i

look out that's all right he was just

practicing

yeah now i can take a walk out on deck

and feel safe come on let's go

there he comes now get him don't worry

we'll get him i've got my finger on the

trigger

hey don't forget anybody comes near the

boss

let him have it

[Music]

hey it's the boss he's got a disguise

take off with the whiskers we know you

ouch what do you mean officer

officer officer

[Applause]

well why didn't you get them not afraid

are you what's right me a man who's

licked his weight in wild caterpillars

afraid

you bet i'm afraid so

hello how are things in the closet you

know i still smell like mothballs no i

don't want to talk to you

[Music]

so here you are loafing around with

these tramps i tell you i come down to

see joe hilton don't you think we better

go what and leave this woman here alone

with her husband

suppose her sweetheart came in let me

tell you welky brings don't think you

can keep me cooped up in that state room

below because you're crazy you're gonna

stay down there like i told you and keep

out of my business do you understand

keep out of my business your turn oh you

were going to show me a good time a good

time well i might as well stay home and

play solitaire your time

pipe down with i have more important

things than you to worry about

your turn you say that again i mean i'll

scratch your eyes out here big boy you

take this gun you're going to need it

more than i will

no you

you're just the man i want to see if i

could show you how to save 20 would you

be interested

of course you would in the first place

your overhead is too high and your brow

is too low

interested already aren't you all right

now just wait till i get through i

haven't got time now there are two

fellas trying to attack you aren't there

and there are two fellows trying to

defend you now that's 50

waste now why can't you be attacked by

your own bodyguards your life will be

saved and that's uh that's 100 ways

now what do you got you still got me and

i'll attack you for nothing say what are

you getting there i anticipated that

question how does an army travel on a

stomach how do you travel on a ship

of course you're saving your stomach now

that same common sense i don't think you

realize oh i realize it's a penny here

and a penny there but look at me

i wake myself up from nothing to a state

of extreme poverty now what do you say

i'll tell you what i say i say all right

then it's all set time to be a new

bodyguard

in case i'm going to attack you i'll

have to be there to defend you too now

let me know when you want to be attacked

and i'll be there ten minutes later to

defend you

i've already got two bodyguards but uh

i'll think it over

hi great

are you crazy

[Music]

have your landing parts and passports

ready please

how do you do madam clinchie oh hello

boys any statement for the rest of time

no i'm afraid not

nothing of interest on this last tour is

it true that the opera is on the decline

in central europe

absurd i predict they're going to have

the greatest years they've ever had in

grand opera

all right mr trudeau is you're going to

get married again while on this tour why

gentlemen

i i don't know what to say gentlemen i'd

say just this the bicycle will never

replace the horse on the other hand the

horse will never replace the bicycle

which is quite a horse on the bicycle if

i ever saw one and i don't think i ever

saw one

i dare you to print that you muckrakers

have a cigar babe

okay for the picture joe pictures here's

a little sex belt for your front page

now i'll hold it steady please

and you can say it was a real love match

we married for money am i shrinking

violet they wouldn't hurt you to shrink

30 or 40 pounds oh you impudent head

i'll report you to your paper i'll thank

you to let me do the reporting is it

true you're getting a divorce as soon as

your husband recovers his eyesight

is it true you wash your hair and clam

broth is it true you used to dance in a

flea cycle this is outrageous

if you don't stop i'll call the captain

oh so that's it infatuated with a pretty

uniform we don't count

after we've given you the best years of

our life you have to have an officer i

don't like this

innuendo that's what i always say love

flies out the door when money comes in

your window

well goodbye it's nice to have seen you

but i've got nobody to blame but myself

tata

now could you tell me oh please you're

awfully glum

i was just thinking after the boat lands

i may never see you again

does it matter to you whether you ever

see me again

i can't think of anything in the world

that matters more mary i'll never leave

you

[Music]

thanks thanks

wait a minute wait a minute well i'm

just trying to sneak off the boat that's

all

i'm looking for the man who asked me i

have to go where's your passport

[Applause]

let me have him i don't like to speak

about it officer but uh i happen to be a

good friend of the man who supplies the

meat for this boat well

well uh do you like lamb chops yes

whatever well this man doesn't handle

any lamb chops but the roast beef is

very good today

saying now listen you fellas can't get

like this

you know when he said that to me you

could have knocked me over with a fella

he gives you service

well it looks like we're up against it

it's up to you to get us a passport

well i got you didn't i well you have to

get up pretty early in the morning to

steal from me

he did get up early this morning but you

weren't here could he see you sometime

tomorrow

ah well come on let's try another one

huh

what's the idea put your hand in my

pocket just a little mistake i had a

suit once looked just like that but for

a minute i thought those were my pants

aren't going to be your pants but i've

got them on well this suit have poop

better pants

better keep your hands to yourself all

right you know who's on this boat now

maurice you're riding the movie actor i

just ran into him did you ever heard him

how do you know with strava i got his

passport right there

now he can't get off the boat hey he

looks like survivor yes he's a stranger

i could look like

i said he looked like chivalry but

that's not enough you've got to sing one

of the survival songs to get off this

boat

if a nightingale will sing like you

have your passport ready keep in mind

everybody 9

45.

never mind

yeah well let me see your passport yeah

right there that's my name

maurice chevalier eh yeah this picture

doesn't look like you

you're on marsha valley i'll sing for

you if a nightingale

will seem like you're listening

never mind this get back in

[Music]

i know it don't look like me from the

front but you'll go in the back of the

boat just like me

say you're not married to value are you

married to value no well there you are

wait i've proven if a nice girl

seems like you you think much better

than you would

this picture doesn't look like you well

it doesn't look like you either

but this man has no mistake well the

barbershop wasn't open this morning

why look at that face oh look at that

face all right are you going to identify

yourself

if a nightingale would think like you

they seem sweeter than they do

[Applause]

passport i said passport not

payboard

[Music]

uh

[Music]

is

[Music]

to me

[Applause]

take

where's the doctor a doctor i want a

doctor

i think you best take the temperature

all right we'll take care of you lady

all right all right all right oh you

fools i'm not the patient well

we're not the doctor come on doctor is

there doctor on the boat

doctor doctor doctor are you a doctor

sure i'm a doctor where's the horse why

a man's painted over here man spain and

i'll soon fix him

that's my hard luck it couldn't be a

woman

just as i thought smoking too much here

he is here doctor

don't tell me i'll find him myself

[Applause]

i can't do anything for that man he's

painted what he needs is an ocean voyage

in the meantime get him off the boat and

have his baggage examined

anyway will you all get close so we

won't recover here right this way

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

hey

helton's thrown his party tonight and

this time we blow the works

now you guys are going in as musicians

and stay that way until i give you the

office

hey what about those four guys in the

house the ones that you said were on the

boat uh don't worry about them they've

out of my hands

the thing for you to worry about is that

girl keep your eye on her cut me

that'll be easy to take okay sit tight

and i'll give you a call

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

say have you guys got an invitation we

give the invitation of chevalier

when the nightingale seems like you

actually try it out and stay away from

the store

say

[Music]

you certainly had me word i thought you

forgot your own party

you haven't been doing all the work i

was afraid you wouldn't come

smile but there are a lot of strange

looking people here

ladies and gentlemen quiet everybody

quiet a ladies diamond earring has been

lost

it looks exactly like this in fact this

is it

how about you and i passing out on the

veranda what would you rather pass out

here

sir you have the advantage of me not yet

i am but will i get you outside

you're pretty fresh aren't you hey

that's my wife and i don't like the way

you're acting around here well if you

don't like our country why don't you go

back where you came from

say i ought to take that right in your

scalp run for your life the indians are

coming

put your scarf in your pocket here are

your knees

[Music]

have a good time kid this is going to be

a real party you call this a party the

beer is warm the women are cold and i'm

hot under the collar

in fact a more poisonous little barbecue

i've never attended say you're a funny

kind of a duck but i like you

you stuck by me and i stick by you sure

i'm much on flowery sentiments but

there's something i just got to tell you

chuck's man i'd be nothing but a

poisonous vomit not fitting to touch the

hem of your pants

if i didn't tell you you treated me

squire my squad

and i ain't forgetting

jeff i forget

with our body

my friends this is indeed a surprise

you couldn't have pleased me better and

now i want you to meet the sweetest

little thing in the whole wide world

hey oh oh no sir this is special for mr

health and sir

you see this

[Music]

i'm back in a half hour and i'll give

you another look at them

just keep your eye on hilton we're gonna

grab his daughter and take her to the

old barn

hold on a fine tin horn sport you are

with all the good shows in town taking a

girl with an old barn

once we get a hold of that girl he'll

take orders from me and believe me i'll

show him we're not with a small talk

where's your wife we'll see would you

shh someone's coming i'll be back all

right be back next thursday and bring a

specimen of your handwriting and above

all don't worry

wow wow

wow wow

[Music]

what brought you here ah it is

mid-summer madness the music is in my

temples the hot lot of youth

come kapelmeister let there be almost

love my regiment leaves it dawn

oh i guess my regiment can go without me

no no no no don't my husband might be

inside and if he finds me out here he'll

wallop me

always thinking of your husband couldn't

i wallop you just as well

well i heard elkie talking about this

party oh i've dreamed of a night like

this i tell you

now you tell me about some of your

dreams dreams

i can't even sleep anymore wondering who

he's chasing around with oh why can't we

break away from all this just you and i

and lodge with my fleas in the hills i

mean flee to my lodge in the hills

oh no i couldn't think of it don't be

afraid you can join this lodge for a few

pennies and you won't even have to take

a physical examination

unless you insist on one

what a swell home life i've got

but i think i'd almost marry you despite

that double crossing

crook mrs briggs

i've known and respected your husband

aki for many years and what's good

enough for him is good enough for me

oh emily oh henry carefully

somebody may see oh i've been careful

too long well now that you brought that

up just how long have you been here

now be calm emily i'll talk to them you

won't say anything about this will you

sir

are you trying to offer me a bribe how

much oh but you don't understand

you see i'm not happy with my husband he

should have married some little

housewife madam i resent that some of my

best friends are housewives

now see here if you're going to talk

about here you're living in a food

paradise you intend to spend ten dollars

to buy this woman a ring look at this

it's solid brass and a buck and a half

takes it away what do you say i know

it'll fit her i got it from the nose of

a savage

well a buck and a half you can have it

for a dollar

fifty cents an out of nicolander now

then my friends what am i offered for

this fine french piece of

brick-a-bracket well i know what it is

to be unhappy

how do you think i feel here i am stuck

with this ring i've been married for

four years four years of neglect four

years of battling four years of

heartbreak

that makes 12 years you must have been

married in rompers mighty pretty country

around there

you think you'll ever go back come here

babe i like you

oh i shouldn't what about my husband

that's all right maybe we can get a girl

for him

who is that my wife married her 12 years

and you have to ask me

what are you doing out here i thought i

told you to spy on hilton i did spy on

him what was he doing he was spying on

me did he see you

no i was too foxy for him all he could

do was fire on me i'll get back in there

we're all set to cut his girl okay chief

hey they got some good stuff outside you

want to drink

you ready boys let's go

[Music]

so

beat you that time

so

my

[Music]

[Applause]

i love it

that's what i needed

well well how are they coming kids

getting everything you want sure but how

about a job for my grandfather

your grandfather what does he do he puts

cheese into traps why

we haven't got any mice here that's all

right he brings his own mice with him

you know mary everyone seems to be

having nearly as much fun as i am

i beg your pardon but there's someone to

see you miss album

call me a minute and i'll hurry right

back

[Music]

now you're wrong girls you're wrong in

the first place gary cooper is much

taller than i am

i wish you'd announced this singer i

can't make out the name

ladies and gentlemen i wish to announce

that a buffet supper will be saved in

the next room in five minutes

in order to get you in that room quickly

mr smallhouse will think of

solo in this room

[Music]

foreign

[Music]

me

[Music]

oh

[Music]

me

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

hey that's no good you want to get

thrown out again play something nice i

tell you why you play

[Music]

it play it's so beautiful that's a

magnifico

oh i like that

so

[Music]

oh mary

they've kidnapped her who's been

kidnapped married

my daughter did something but who could

have done it

it's not how he breaks you saw them drag

her into the car

when did they take her where did they

take her you see first they blindfolded

me and then they took cars

of course they took it to the barn safe

fellas let's all pack up a nice little

lunch and get out of the old barn eh

red you go down to the north road jack

you head down by front seat i'm going to

pick up a couple of the boys

for women

[Music]

gee i wish i had a horse

nobody will hear you here well he's

going to hear about it because i'm going

to tell him myself

let's take it easy you're not going

anyplace don't get all excited

nobody's going to hurt you you'll be out

of here in an hour if your old man comes

through

but you take care of the girl while i

telephone jokes come on

now make yourself at home but shut up

[Music]

dollar ten here's a dollar keep the

change but i said a dollar ten

or i give me the dollar i'll keep the

change that's a half a dollar

[Music]

you call this a bond this looks like a

stable well if you look at it it's a

bond if you smell it it's a stable

well let's just look at it get out of

here

hey have you got a girl i'm going to

hail off no then you're a bigger phone i

thought you were i tell you

what'd you say i said vader

pardon me what did you say i said reason

he said beat it

dee i wish i'd have said that

everybody's repeating it around the club

i'm coming down here and get you

don't bother we'll come right up come on

i'm going in and get them

well here we are at the old barn all set

for a nice picnic lunch

oh gosh the picnic is off we haven't got

any red hands i know an indian's got a

couple of red ants

hey don't you think we better go look

for the gale that's where we get through

in there's hardly enough lunch for two

i don't see why she couldn't get

kidnapped near a restaurant

some dark night i think i'll come here

and lay for you if the hens don't get

sore

yeah go over to that filling station and

get some milk grade a

well come on come on where's the milk

there's a customer ahead of me

hey what are you doing here

what are we doing what about you

kidnapping a girl nice old-fashioned

piece of melodrama kidnapping a girl

you've been reading too many dime novels

go on you get them away from the outside

cleveland is locked well it's better to

have locked and lost than ever to have

lost at all

nice work peter

[Music]

[Music]

so you're afraid

[Music]

right

get out of that hall

where's all those farmer's daughters

i've been hearing about for years

hey why don't you boys fight over there

you want to break my glasses

come on folks step right up on it come

send the chance that a boy here you are

10 cents get you looking out there the

only game in the stable

let's see number 16 wins and the lucky

number there you are young man

sorry you didn't get a better one

here we go let's see what comes up well

well if he isn't the lucky guy double oh

two socks for the price of one folks

this is the best game of all

you're a mother you understand how would

you like to have somebody steal one of

your happens

i know half a cow is better than none

but this is no time for puns

get in that battle over there

well here we are again at the ringside

and folks it looks like a great battle

now the boys are locked in the sun in

the ring

oh baby what a grudge fight zoey

this program is coming to you through

the courtesy of the golden goose

furniture company with three stores

125th street 1250 and 125th street

you finish the girl we car and feather

your nest look for our greatest win

today's ass stand

now the boys are added in the side of

the ring at one height

come on you paluca stop stalling oh mama

if i only had my youth again

[Music]

both boys are fiddling in the middle of

the ring and i don't think much of a

tune

friggs is bobbing and weaving it's nice

work if you can get it now they're

trying

very trying i caught that one from an

alumni now they're in the center of the

ring in the crowd

[Music]

[Applause]

are you all right honey

[Applause]

good boy remember old your house never

forgot a friend

one doctor with the pleasure

what are you doing i'm looking for neil

in the haystack

you