Dele: "Now is the Time to Talk"

what was the point where you started to

feel that it wasn't right

like one morning I woke up I had to go

training this is when he'd stop playing

me I remember just looking in the mirror

I mean it sounds dramatic but I was

literally staring in the mirror

and I was asking if

I could retire now

at 24 you know doing the thing I love

for me that was heartbreaking

it's always been me against myself and

everything I was winning the fight

smiling showing I was happy but inside I

was definitely you know losing the

battle trauma is trauma and your body

registers in the same way no matter what

it is if you know about my life you

would understand that a little bit more

I want to help other people to know that

they're not alone

in the feelings they've got and doesn't

make you weak to get help

today we're going to interview dele Alli

I work with Delhi whilst I was with

England as a coach I absolutely loved

him when he was with England he's

playing under Mexico Spurs just in that

number 10 role wasn't it running forward

always jogging Harry Kane

[Music]

I just thought it was the real deal you

know it was almost like a modern day

Brian Robson modern day Roy Keane in

terms of a box-to-box Midfield player

but it has no doubt changed since

2018-19 in the last few years delhi's

you know obviously from a football

perspective got nowhere near the levels

that he was playing at back in that sort

of

mid-2015-16 season so you know we want

to know why that is

um you know I'm concerned about him

because when I see someone drop off like

he has from the ability that he has then

you always think what's going on in in

the lad's life

it's been a blip and I have to say

there's a fascination with him still I

think people want to ask that question

what's happened Ellie are you okay

Delhi and his team have reached out in

this last few days to say that it is the

right time now to speak and we're

obviously delighted to bring him in

today to talk about it it'll be very

different type of overlap obviously

everybody's asked that question in the

last 12 to 18 months what's happened

with Delhi and today we're going to find

out

Delhi welcome to the overlap obviously

I'll work with you in 2015-16 with

England and obviously seeing what's

happened in the last 12 to 18 months the

way in which the football's gone you

know first question is are you okay

uh yeah I think it's a question I've

definitely been asked a lot

um but I think this is probably the

first time in a long time that I can say

yeah

like and mean it I think I'm probably

mentally I'm probably in the best place

I've ever been uh and yeah I feel good

obviously injured at the minute but

football and I've got that passion back

for football I mean

yes I'm I'm doing really well just tell

us what's been happening with you in the

last sort of six to 12 months you say

you're feeling good now but obviously it

means that you weren't feeling well at a

certain point

yeah I think it's now's probably the

right time for me to to tell people

what's been going on

it's tough to talk about it because it's

quite recent

um

and it's something I've kind of hid

for a long time uh

uh and I'm scared I'm scared to talk

about it but I think it's the right

thing to do so when I come back from

Turkey I came in and I found out I

needed an operation and

I was in a I was in a bad place

um mentally

and yeah I decided to go to like a a

modern day rehab facility for mental

health uh they deal with like addiction

mental health and Trauma so something uh

I felt like it was time for me I think

with things like that you can't

be told to go there I think you have to

know and you have to make the decision

yourself else it's not going to work and

yeah I was just to be honest I was

caught in a

in a bad cycle

um you know I was relying on things that

were doing me harm

and yeah I think I was waking up every

day and I was winning the fight

you know going into training and smiling

showing that I was happy

but inside I was definitely you know

losing the battle and it was time for me

to to change it because when I got

injured and he told me I needed surgery

I could feel the the feelings I had when

the cycle begins

and I didn't want it to happen anymore

so

I went there I went there for six weeks

um and you know Everton were amazing

about it you know they supported me 100

and

I'll be grateful for them forever I

think whatever happens in the future I

think for them to be

so open and honest and understanding I

think I couldn't have asked for anything

more in that time when you know I was

probably making the biggest decision of

My Life

um

something because

scared to do I think

that I'm happy I've done it and to be

honest I couldn't have expected it to go

the way it did I think before you know

you hear about it has this whole stigma

around it and

it's something people don't want to do

you know going into rehab is definitely

sounds scary but yeah I could never have

imagined how much I'd get from it and

how much it would help me mentally

um because I was in a bad place I think

you know a lot happened when I was

younger that I could never understand I

could never figure out when I was doing

stupid things

that I blame myself for

but really going there and learning

about it it was never really in my

control

understanding it and learning and it's

helped me a lot with other things you

know to do with my family like my blood

family uh

I'll let go of some some things and some

bad feelings I was holding and that

would slow me down and hold me back so

yeah it was uh that's where I've been

I'm laughing I learned that this is my

defense as well laughing and smiling so

just on timeline how recent was this

that you went into rehab so I got out

three weeks ago I think three weeks ago

yeah and if I'm being honest I probably

wouldn't have wanted to talk about it

this soon I think maybe give it a little

bit more time but I am feeling in a

really good place and I feel strong

enough to do this I think it's important

maybe could have done with a little bit

more time in terms of when I was talking

about it but unfortunately the way the

world is now you know the tabloids that

they got they found out and they was

calling my team a lot and they were

telling

you know that they knew I was and stuff

and the decision

that I may be made in the past when I

didn't really care about what people

thought and I didn't care about being

understood I would have just let them

write what they wanted to write and you

know put their own story on which they

do a lot of the time but it's not the

reality and

also you know I want to help other

people to

know that they're not alone in the

feelings they've got and that you can

talk to people it doesn't make you weak

to get help

to be vulnerable with uh there's a lot

of strength in that so to come out and

to share my story I'm I'm happy to do it

you talked obviously about trauma but

you also talked about doing things that

weren't helping you can you be more

specific about what it actually

is that he was doing that was obviously

causing you a problem

so it started I had uh I mean it's been

going on for a long time I think without

me realizing it the things I was doing

to numb

the feelings I had

I mean I didn't realize I was doing it

for that purpose

um whether it be drinking or whatever I

think they're

the things a lot of people do but if you

abuse it and use it in the wrong way

and you're not actually doing it for the

pleasure you're doing it to try and

Chase something or hide from something

it can obviously damage you a lot so it

started with that um and then I was I

got addicted to sleeping tablets and

it's uh probably a problem that

you know not only I have I think it's

something that's going around more than

people realize in the game in football

yeah I think is you know something that

maybe hopefully me coming out and

speaking about it can help people

because don't get me wrong they work I

think you know with our schedule you

have a game you have to be up early in

the morning to train you got all the

adrenaline and stuff so sometimes you

know to take a sleeping tablet to sleep

and be ready for the next day is fine

but when your dopamine system and you're

as broken as I am

um it can obviously have the reverse

effect because

it does work for the problems you want

to deal with and that's that is the

problem it works until it doesn't so

yeah I've definitely abused them too

much and

I mean don't be wrong I would stop I

would stop sometimes and you know go a

few months without them but I was never

really dealing with the problem you know

I got really bad at some point

and I didn't understand how bad it was

um but I was never dealing with the root

of the problem which was

when I was growing up the you know the

traumas I had the feelings I was holding

on to

and I tried to deal with it all by

myself I didn't want to tell anyone

um I mean there was a number of times my

adopted family my brother

um

you know makes me sad um

they would take me to

to Rooms cry and ask me to just speak to

them tell them what I'm thinking how I'm

feeling and I just couldn't do it

um because I wanted to deal with it by

myself I didn't feel like opening up to

anyone I had a lot of people try to help

me

because they could see in me I wasn't

who I was I lost myself for a few years

and you know I was a

just turning everyone away not accepting

any help from anyone I mean when I have

the family that saved my life crying and

asking me to tell them what's wrong

and I just didn't want to do it I didn't

were they aware that you were on the

snow so they

I think it they'd heard a few times

about them but I would swear on

everything that had never taken them or

that I weren't taking them

which is a part of the problem you know

I didn't want help

I'll tell myself I wasn't an addict I

wasn't addicted to them but I definitely

was I realized that going away and

talking about it and understanding it

more

yeah I didn't need help and it got to

the time where I couldn't do it by

myself anymore and I think that's the

the thing people need to understand that

it is okay I mean we're definitely

stronger as humans we're stronger

together we're not we don't have to do

everything alone

I mean

the stuff you do deal with by yourself

but

if it's having a negative impact on you

and you feel like it's okay it's time

you can't do it by yourself anymore it

doesn't make you weak honestly because I

mean obviously when I was a player

sleeping pills are not unusual in

football you know you'd be offer one

night before a game always because

obviously a player might not sleep

because of just you know the build up

and the adrenaline and also sometimes

after a game when you say it's more

widespread in the game are you talking

about players taking them every night

are you talking about players

potentially multiple tablets at once are

you talking about more than one tablet

what levels were you at with them

it's quite scary isn't it when you think

no it is scary like now I'm out of it

and I look back on it like before I went

on stop I'd still kind of sometimes have

the urge but I you know

maintain sober for a period of time and

then there would always be a time when

something would happen I'd get the

feelings back and I'd want to escape

because drugs alcohol all this stuff

they work for the time so yeah I was

taking them I was taking a lot I mean I

don't want to talk about numbers but it

was definitely way too much

uh and there was some scary moments I

had the team's given to you for a reason

to sleep and they do do that I wasn't

taking them to sleep I'll take them

throughout the day to just it's taken

during the day during the day from

sometimes from

11 A.M for the day off I would never

take them if I'm playing but I'd start

early if I had the day off and just to

escape from the reality they're

obviously a prescription drug and you

have to get them from somewhere

and I I don't want to put you in a

difficult position but there will be a

concern and an intuitive care basis that

you've been getting

these pills

and access to these pills from obviously

the game if you like

can you just talk to me about that a

little bit because I think it is

something that people will ask

it started with a doctor a doctor was

giving them to me to sleep

and then it turns into more than that I

think when you want something you'll

find a way

um to you getting them outside of the

game and at that point yeah

but you were at the start getting them

in the game yeah

in acceptable quantities would you say

or at the start yeah yeah for sure like

it was one to sleep that was what it was

yeah and

and for most people that's fine you can

handle that that's all you need

but for me it was fixing something else

that I didn't know I could fix

and you hold on to that people think

football's you know is

don't get me wrong I love football

it saved my life I owe everything to

football

but it's not just as easy as everyone

thinks it's not

this high life like you have okay yeah

you have money you have you can do a lot

of things that you wouldn't be able to

do about it but mentally

I don't think people will ever

understand until you're in it what it

can do to you you know rejection just

being told you're not good enough

fighting every day even something like

losing a game it can affect you mentally

and you have to be ready you have to be

smiling the next day and

when you're not it's a problem so

when did you start to get these feelings

how long ago was it obviously you've

been in rehabbing you know only a few

weeks ago but when did it start to feel

because obviously you know I'm thinking

going back to 2015-16 and then watching

you in the World Cup in 18

one of the greatest young English

talents that I've seen in a long time

what was the point where you started to

feel that it wasn't right

it's hard to pinpoint one exact moment I

mean there was

probably the saddest moment for me

was when Mourinho was manager I think I

was 24.

and I remember there was one session

like one morning I woke up I had to go

training this is when he'd stop playing

me and I was in a bad place and I

remember just looking in the mirror I

mean it sounds dramatic but I was

literally staring in the mirror

and I was asking if

I could retire now

at 24 you know doing the thing I love

for me that was heartbreaking

to even have had that for a 24 to want

to retire that hurt me a lot that was

another thing that I had to carry I mean

that's quite a long time ago isn't it

it's like three four years ago and

you've been carrying this obviously

talked about the sleeping pills but were

you also drinking quite heavily as well

in that period

I mean that period yeah I was partying a

lot I was having a lot of parties just

I mean this because it's been suggested

that you're going off the rails

basically you know that you've seen the

Tabloid headlines haven't you in that

period yeah that you were going out

partying and obviously other things

the reality of what they say is not the

reality I think

they was calling me a party boy and all

this before

you know I was doing any of this

um so I think people's perception of me

was a lot different to the reality of

what I was living

and then it got to a point where that

happened and I was in a bad place a lot

of things have built up I think you know

we all have emotions and

we think the best thing to do sometimes

is to just stuff them down and hide them

and lock them away but over time they

just build up and it gets to a point

where we're human and it breaks and it

all comes out

and I turned to all the wrong things

like I don't blame Mourinho I don't

blame anyone you know my reaction to

that wasn't right but it wasn't

something I had control over

it was

my reality of when I was younger the

traumas I had things I'd dealt with

throughout my life

and it all just came out and

I'm grateful that it happened at that

time because it could have been a time

when I didn't feel and I couldn't find a

purpose for myself

I couldn't remember the why I'd done it

why I'm here why I'm doing this so with

football and not just football just

being young wanting to live the life

that I want to live after this and when

it's done and when football's done that

gave me something extra to hold on to

and another reason why I need to stop

so I don't I want to make it clear that

I don't blame anyone for

the way I feel

it's always been

me against myself and everything I think

I've always been

my own hero and my own

my own biggest enemy so

let's get into a time when I need to be

more vulnerable let people understand me

because a lot of problems have come from

me not opening up not allowing people to

come in

but that was how I felt safe

I think if you knew about my life you

would understand that a little bit more

I think

I found that if you let people in this

the

it's the way they can hurt you the most

so I definitely hid from it I didn't

allow anyone to do that

and it didn't work

I think we all hold on to not wanting to

change because it's who we are we'll

lose our identity but

if you you are to work and then that's

great but it gets to the point sometimes

where it's not working anymore and you

need to change things and that was the

point I was at

this is another thing I'm scared of

about talking like I don't want people

to feel like I want people to feel sorry

for me trauma is trauma and your body

registers it in the same way no matter

what it is I don't care what they're

right they can write what they want to

do as long as

if I help one person then that's that's

and that's all I need from this

he just said before people didn't didn't

know what's going on in my life and

you're right I was a culture of yours

and I don't know about sort of your

childhood what we do know is obviously

that you change the name on the back of

your shirt which at the time told us

that there was potential issue obviously

with your biological parents but can you

just tell us about your childhood

uh something I haven't really spoke

about that much to be honest I mean I

think there was a few incidents

that can give you a kind of a brief

understanding so

at six I was molested

by my mom's friend who was at the house

a lot so my mum was an alcoholic uh

and then

sorry

hey don't be sorry

yeah so that happened at six

and then I was sent to Africa to learn

discipline

and then I was sent back

seven I started smoking

hey I started dealing drugs

selling drugs selling drugs yeah

an older person told me that they

wouldn't stop a kid on a bike so I'd

ride around with my football and then

underneath I'd have the drugs and uh

yeah and

so that was a

11 I was hung off a bridge

by who a guy from the next estate a man

and then you know 12 hours adopted so

and from then

it was like

I was adopted by an amazing family like

I said I couldn't have asked for better

people to

to do what they've done for me is

I mean I don't

if God created people it was them you

know they were amazing

um

and they've helped me a lot and that was

another thing you know when I started

Living with them

it was hard for me to really open up to

them

because

it was easy I felt Within Myself you

know it was easy for them to get rid of

me again uh

so yeah I tried to be the best kid I

could be for them

um

yeah I stayed with him from 12 and then

started playing first team

professionally at 16.

and then it all sort of took off from

there

so yeah that's a kind of a so you've had

really only for three or four years in

your life of probably stability that

probably period between 12 and 15 16

before it sort of went like that again

yeah

um I'd say so I mean

this is another thing I'm scared of

about talking like I don't want people

to feel like I want people to feel sorry

for me because that's something I can't

I don't find easy to accept

just Within Myself so tell the people

won't say that with what you just told

us yeah you know I think the fact that

you're opening up in the fact that

you're now speaking about it I think

people will recognize that this has been

something that's been stored inside you

caged for

15 20 years

you said you've been taken to Africa to

learn discipline what does that mean

because my mum

because I won't I say I weren't a good

kid they taught me in rehab I'm not

allowed to say that but

um okay I got in trouble a lot you know

with the police and I had no rules um I

grew up without any rules like I said my

mum was she drunk a lot and I don't

blame her at all for what happened I

think going to this place really helped

me understand her and the things she was

going through and what she had to deal

with and it was all she knew she went

and you got into rehab now helps me

understand myself understand your mum's

situation because it was all she knew

she

like even when she let me go and I got

adopted

she knew and I knew that it was what was

needed to to even have a chance

of living the life I wanted to live

and being successful and because it was

only going one way if I stayed there my

dad lived my blood dad lived in Africa

and then I got sent to him

I was meant to stay there for a year how

was that

horrible I didn't want to be there at

all I think nothing against you know

where I was

um but just going from what I was living

in uh because we had no money uh my mom

had no money there was always like

10 guys like just around like just what

in your house just in the house yeah

like

it was definitely like the drugs

but yeah so there was that and then it

was just a big culture change

and I didn't want to be there so I

be a little bit more naughty and then

after six months I got sent back bye dad

she still speaks your dad now no so

there was a time he tried so he went

missing for a while and then

I mean he's probably gonna come out now

and say some

some but uh yeah so he went missing

and then when I started playing for

England he he came back and then I used

to speak to my mom as well

just to try and help her yeah

no so when I was 18 around 18 I think

they went to the newspaper and like

started accusing the family that adopted

me of doing all this stuff when they

didn't know what they had like they were

the ones that used to make me go and see

my mom I never wanted to go they would

always tell me she's your mom like you

should have a relationship with her and

I think that spoke volumes like what

they were were doing they were just

doing it generally because they're

amazing people so yeah and then my mom

and my blood mum and dad went to the

Press

saying that these people are taking

advantage of me they want they want to

go through my contracts

and I hadn't spoke to him for years and

I knew that wasn't my mom's decision

because I know she didn't really leave

Milton Keynes like there was no way

she'd done that

um so yeah after that I just felt so

betrayed and let down

and hurt that I just

couldn't keep the relationship with my

mum

um

and my dad I don't want a relationship

with him even so

what did the rehab tell you about

the impact of obviously the trauma that

was coming from your childhood

uh it was amazing what they did with

some things you know they would really

piece things together because there's a

lot of things that I would question

myself about because it went against my

values and who I am as a person or what

I want to do

and I'd question why I made them

decisions but they could link a lot of

things like for example uh

so I used to have like House pies

I didn't care who was in the house

whilst you're playing football we're

also playing football so I'd have House

parties and

that was very much how my mom's house

was without me knowing

it was my comfort zone it was normal to

me

so just little things like that where

did you go for the rehab it was in

America so you spent five six weeks in

America six weeks in America yeah and I

met some amazing people there I think

from all different walks of life

different professions to be able to do

that and it doesn't matter where you've

come from what your trauma is I think

trauma is trauma and your body registers

in the same way no matter what it is

even if you think you're fine you've got

nothing to worry about going and

speaking to someone and opening up will

help you realize that okay this could

have if it's not causing a problem now

it could have down the line is that the

big thing that you think you picked up

whilst you're over there that you you're

not alone and that you can obviously

share your vulnerabilities with others

100 I think

we all think we're so unique that no one

else has the same problems as us but

speak to a few people in that place and

you'll realize that

you have a lot more in common than you'd

probably think you know go in there and

speak into them and listening to them

and working together it was one of the

best teams I've been a part of and

I can't thank them people enough

let alone therapists and stuff there

just the people that were there in terms

of where you're at currently now

obviously you're injured and you you're

obviously gonna go back into it and is

the whole as part of this process for

you to obviously think that you know you

can sort of share with your story and

that it can help others potentially

going through it I mean whether it be a

football player or other people in life

yeah I think

what I went through you know helped me

really understand my purpose like when

I'm just going through everything

breaking it down and finding out why I'm

here what I'm what I want in life you

know

I know what I can do on the pitch

I mean I think I've showed people what I

can do on the pitch and now I've got a

feeling back like before I went to

Tottenham when I had a lot to prove and

I wanted to fight and I felt so much

love and passion about football I have

that back which for me is

something I've missed for probably

longer than I wanted to but with the

other side of it I wanna

inspire people not only on the pitch off

the pitch

in a way that I think is probably isn't

spoken about

enough from experience

when you've been at your best in your

life you've had stability I think in

your sort of mentors whether it be your

adopted family that you moved in with

when you were 11 obviously you then gave

you a really stable

sort of teenage period and then

obviously when you're at Spurs and you

admit the opotino as well you're

absolutely sensational

is that one of the factors with you

daily that you need that sort of strong

leadership around you in that sort of

strong mentorship and when you don't

quite get that when it's a little bit

more unstable do you feel as though

that's had an impact on you

it definitely impacted me I think

Potch was I couldn't have asked for a

better manager at the time I was in him

and his team you know not just him those

Jesus and yeah Miguel and Tony they were

they are amazing people and they're so

understanding and it wasn't like

a footballer and a manager relationship

it was deeper than that I felt

and that was what I mean just give me

some specific examples of how he was

with you Maurizio

he was just so understanding of the

decisions I was making and he was guided

like he cared about me as a person

before the football

which is what I needed at that time

and I think that's important for young

players I think

when you go somewhere it can be quite

scary I think

and I was never I never had that fear of

you know trying to prove myself in that

sense because I felt like he was given

me the platform to express myself the

best I could and be comfortable I mean

players always used to say I want to

like that I was Fearless

I won't Fearless I was just Brave

I think there's a difference there's a

big difference because I was scared of

things

but I think being brave you feel the

fear still but you still do it and I

think that's something that he allowed

me to do

so yeah I think he helped a lot in that

period of my of my career which is why

it was tough for me when he left because

you know then you come into new managers

and it was hard for me to to let anyone

in at that point and to be open and I

felt like everything was just so fake

when people when managers would speak to

me

I just felt like the conversations

weren't real because there'd always be

something what do you mean by that fake

it's hard to explain it's something like

it was more it was probably more me in

my in my own head and my own ego

you know I weren't open to to let anyone

in and I didn't feel like any of them

wanted to really know me

in a personal level which was then tough

for me to fully commit and give my

everything for them which obviously had

a negative impact on me in the long run

there's an editorial in the documentary

around you which obviously you'll be

aware of where words like lazy were used

by Jose Mourinho and then obviously

there was the sort of one-on-one that he

had with you which was one of the sort

of Most Fascinating parts of that

documentary where he talked about

Reaching Your Potential and that you've

you know don't just delivering moments

how did you feel about that sort of if

you like exposure and the type of

exposure because I mean the idea of

being called lazy I worked with you

obviously with England that wood wasn't

in existence around you at all at that

period I mean you were box to box full

of energy get up and go attacking every

single situation that you were in you'd

get stuck in and my view of yours you'd

come up for a really good upbringing in

respect of lower league football that

you'd toughened you up and you had as

nails so the idea then that you were

described as being lazy a few years

later just at the time shocked me a

little bit do you feel as though that

was unhelpful and was that potentially

the start of this journey that you've

gone on I'm glad you asked me about that

um

so that lazy comment people love to

bring that up that interviewed obviously

I was on Amazon he called me lazy that

was the day after recovery day a week

later he apologized to me for calling me

lazy because he'd seen me actually train

and play

but that wasn't in the documentary and

no one spoke up about that because

for calling you lazy in the team meeting

that not in in the do you mean he called

me lazy but then one-on-one I think it

was on the pitch

foreign and I didn't think anything got

me at the time because I know myself I'm

not lazy the impact of the word lazy

hanging on use a football player is a

bad one yeah it is and that's so that

has stuck because of that documentary

but it's interesting that it wasn't in

that he'd apologize for a week later

that's what I mean people can

what you see sometimes isn't the way it

really is I think especially now with

social media and all these things we can

really portray something that isn't real

after that I think people definitely try

to use that

for some other decision and change the

perception of you I think externally I'm

sure yeah for sure and I think

other

coaches Maybe

for other reasons why I won't play and

they stuck to that lazy one yeah because

it was kind of an easy easy one to use

and the problem is probably more than

that I think who are the senior players

that look you felt looked after you at

Tottenham when you were there and so how

does that mean you're not a young player

now but you're certainly not a senior

player you're only 27. yeah

um I think that's one of the places

where you can be sort of if you like

guided back on track did players come up

to you at certain points and say look

there like come on you need to get some

help or Delhi you know he shouldn't be

doing that did any player try and sort

of help you the particularly the scenic

ones in the dressing room it's hard to

say senior ones because we're like we're

quite a youngish team

but there's like people who have a lot

of respect for and we're very good

friends

I don't think any of them really knew

what I was doing so I'd hide it from

them I wouldn't be honest with them

like the likes of Eric Dyer I think he's

a great friend and you realize who is

your real friends yeah who really

you know people that don't just say yes

you are they mean a lot to you and they

all always hold a special place in my

heart so like people like Eric Harry

Sonny Ben there's a lot of players that

didn't approve of what I was doing if

they knew about it they weren't afraid

to tell me they would tell you would

they yeah they'll tell me especially

Harry and Eric come to a brutally honest

how would that go the conversation what

they pull you to one side or they would

do it in front of the rest of the

players uh nah it was never like in

front of people or just be like what

you're doing like

was that when you like to say you've

been the newspaper for a story or

something then or they'd heard you've

been out or yeah or like they could just

sometimes you could see it on my face I

think it's hard to hide sometimes and

they definitely weren't pleased but I

didn't care I couldn't accept any help

or anything from anyone you just

ignoring every little bit I was so numb

to everything when people like I said I

had my adopted family crying in a room

like really crying to like telling me

like how much they care about me to

forget about the football side of it

like as a person and I was so numb

I just didn't care

which is yeah something come

I'm sad about but I'm proud that you

know I'm I'm through it now

you're very skeptical of the media

aren't you the main thing for me is I

want to improve myself right because I

know how good I can be as a player what

do you expect the impact to be of the

words that you've shared I'm hoping it

helps people will it help you

a young player of the apfa young Player

of the Year twice you're playing in the

World Cup for England you were

successfully talking a brilliant

Tottenham team under Mitzi opotino

do you feel now in the place that you're

in that you can get back to that level

do you feel that what you've done in the

last few weeks and months enables you to

give you a chance to be able to succeed

and be the player that you were back in

that 2015 to 2018 period

I don't want to be back at that day I

want to be better than that I want to be

a better player a better person I think

like I look back at that and think yeah

like I've done good

but I'm not satisfied with that I mean

you can't you can't drive your car

looking in the rear view mirror you

can't hold on to things that happen in

the past I'm just looking forward and

the journey from here is just exciting

for me and I think you can tell that how

passionate I am about it and there's I

really mean it when I say I'm excited

and

I've obviously heard these things the

first time today and I'm shocked but I'm

also inspired by the fact of what you

have been through and sort of where

you've got to today you've achieved

unbelievable things when you consider

those first 10 years of your life

and what you had to go through and

obviously where you are today you know

is is incredible I think

what do the next few weeks hold what do

you expect the impact to be of the words

that you've shared today I'm hoping it

helps people uh

will it help you

it will help me I think it's something

that I needed to

explain and get off my chest and I

wanted to say in the way I felt was

the truth because like I said people

write stuff and

they can word it however they want and

I'm sure they will I'm sure they'll

choose headlines from this and choose

whatever they want to write to was it

clickbait I think they'll use the

headlines and you're very skeptical of

the media aren't you

I noticed about all the young players

even when I was playing with England we

were very skeptical yeah I think yeah

I'm in the media now so I say that with

a obviously haven't been a player no

because I've read so many stories about

myself that it's not true at all just

feel like you've been targeted

I wouldn't say I don't know I think I

didn't help myself I put myself in

stupid

positions where

it was too easy for them to do that

I don't care what they write they can

write what they want to do as long as

if I help one person

to come out and change their life and

potentially save their life

then that's that's all I need from this

you say you don't blame anybody in your

life or what what's gone but there's

quite clearly you you've been put in

difficult situations and you have been

let down at times

how much

when you sit here today do you feel I

should I could have been a lot better

myself how much do you think well I

could have been guided better

I mean I definitely could have been

guided but from up until the age of 12

like I said I was

kind of raising myself in a way I had

like I had no rules like

at seven years old most people have a

time they have to be in the house I had

a key and I could come back whenever I

wanted if I'd had an actual

adult who was responsible for that kid

and the term like just normal stuff like

that like I don't blame my mum for that

because

like I said like I didn't understand her

more

and I never really did blame her in that

sense

I always look at myself first and I was

trying to explain this to them at this

place that I find it hard to blame

anyone else for what I've done

because that's just who I am like I

always take responsibility if I'm not

playing well I'm the first one like no

one will be hard or me than what I am

so if something's not going right no

matter how many people say I've already

judged myself but I don't think you

could like the mistakes I've made I've

never judged myself from them mistakes

I've always judged myself from okay how

did I learn from this what did I do and

it wasn't always the best

that was hard for me but I think from

now what I'm doing is with what I've

done over these past few months

it's something for me to learn a lot

from and to to be proud about

because yes I have made mistakes but am

I doing the right thing to fix their

mistakes am I trying to be the best

person I can be

I can actually say yes I am I'm trying

to help people

I'm trying to be the best footballer I

can be best professional trying to

inspire kids and

you know other not even just kids other

people I think

so yeah I'm proud of who I am today and

I don't blame anyone

think a lot of people

I think a lot of people for

the tough times they create for me

because I think that made me a tougher

person it made me Brave It Made Me

Stronger

and it allowed me to overcome challenges

that

if they were just sprung on me maybe I

wouldn't be able to deal with but

so I have a lot of people to think

because they did help give me the hunger

and

the passion to keep going and keep

fighting and

proved them wrong but I think the main

thing for me is I want to prove myself

right because I know how good I can be

as a player and as a person and it's

important for me that this battle

against myself I win and I do prove

myself that I was right about all these

things

you've got 12 months left on your

contract to Everton

how do you think the game will

view you now you know are you hoping to

hit the ground when I know you're

injured at the moment you'll be out for

a few more weeks but is it a case of you

thinking I always want to get back into

the first team as quickly as possible

whatever happens after this year if even

before this year if I come back and you

know if we decide that it's not the best

place for me to be I won't have any hard

feelings about that I think for me I

know have I ever spoke to you about that

yeah me and me and the manager have had

some good conversations not so much

about football at this point because

obviously I'm still injured and stuff

I've just had you know about where I'm

at and stuff like that and I've got to

say a big thanks to him as well I think

for someone that didn't really know me

just this to be thrown on him and to be

so understanding and

let me just understand and we had a good

conversation and

like I said he was supportive he was

understanding as well so are you in his

plans for this season did you get that

far or was it more just about the

personal situation and sort of making

sure you were well right now it's just

about getting back on the pitch and

showing him what I can do and

to talk to her more about

what I've done in terms of the rehab and

how I'm feeling which is a normal

question for people to have I think uh

so yeah a lot of talk so far have been

about that and then yeah I just need to

get back fit which isn't too long the

way I'm feeling good in that sense

probably another few weeks

um and then get back playing enjoying

football which is which is what I want

to do so I'm ready for a big season yeah

and I'm more prepared to deal with any

challenge that that comes with it have

you spoken to any of your teammates in

the dressing room about what's been

going on in the last few months yeah so

it was always a

a bit of a not awkward one but I didn't

know if they knew where I was or but

then when I come back they only started

like a couple days ago yeah but

obviously I came in early because I was

injured and had some good conversations

and the people I spoke to are so

supportive about it and understanding

and happy I think because they knew me

as a person you know no matter what

anyone else thinks on the outside they

don't know me they knew where my heart

was

and

you know I think they just wish the best

for me so for me to open up and I was

being more open with them and truthful

uh even with my old teammates yeah I met

with some of them before I went there

some people from Tottenham

and just to kind of tell them where I

was going why I was going there because

obviously we had some amazing years

together

and I guess they were probably wondering

like what's going on as well I mean

hopefully maybe after this they'll

understand a little bit more but yeah

yeah some

I'm happy with the support I'm getting

is there anything else that you'd like

to say Obviously today is sort of what

I've heard is I'd say it's unbelievably

shocking

to me obviously having worked with you

but is there anything else that you'd

like to say

I think again just to reiterate the fact

that

people don't need to be scared of

things I think change is always hard and

when something's uncomfortable and

difficult

you get a feel and you get scared and

you get the fear but when you have that

feeling

that's the exact time that you need to

jump and go for it because

at the other side of fear and change

it's usually only positive things

hopefully me talking about my

experiences is helpful to them so

but look Delia I I don't think you'll

ever know the full extent of how much

you'll have helped people by speaking

about this because the impact that

you'll have on a lot of people are

listening will be incredible I think you

will encourage people just how you've

spoken how open honest you've been to go

out and

share their vulnerability and and seek

help so you know it's incredible what

you've told me today

um thank you very much for speaking to

me and

I wish you all the very best honestly

thank you thank you

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