when the High School Football Coach has to teach Sex Ed

some damn settled settle down

as you know my name is coach creed

miller okay i've been teaching here for

seven years

that's three championships would have

been four but i don't want to talk about

it all right

talk to our offensive line miss elkinson

is taking the day off

for hormone activities i'm not going to

get into detail on

what that is because you know i respect

her privacy

and also i'm trying to hold down an ampn

burrito

all right so i'll be stepping in for the

day rule number one of my classroom do

not ask what is in my can

this is a diet coke and a diet coke only

it's likely a controlled substance

jackson dyches hope

you shut the hell up all right today's

lesson the sex

does anybody know what the sex is

um sex is actually a physical act in

which two different people uh get

together and choose each other as a

reproductive partner wrong

see sex is walking into a home depot at

7 00 am not asking for help sex is

having a fantasy football team so good

you contemplate leaving your wife and

children riding a john deere in a

backyard with no fences

and no limits getting an onion ring with

your french fries and you didn't ask for

onion rings putting on a fresh pair of

new balances and it ain't even your

birthday

sex is cracking up in a fresh slim jim

parallel park in a ford f-350 and not

using your back-up camera

sex is doing a key bump of bath salts

smelling salt

driving by the 7-eleven on cornell

avenue and realizing they changed it

to a jimmy john's sex as well don't ask

my wife because

we don't do that anymore that's just a

fairy tale for her unless it's

my birthday or thanksgiving eve in that

case we're stuffing multiple turkeys

that night

the smell of fireball from your upper

lip while looking out at the friday

night life

sex is putting on your varsity letterman

after three years

and it still fits like a club sorry kids

i'm a little buzzed here

sex is fourth of july firework in your

backyard

and your golden retriever is barking not

at the fireworks

but at america taking the perfect [ __ ]

sorry

crap and you don't even have to wipe

shout out to my fiber here in

margaritaville for the first time

while you're eating cheeseburgers in

paradise sir actually i think those are

just

analogies for things that you have

preference towards allergies no i don't

have any allergies

why is my lips swollen i got stung by a

bee that's why i have a specific bump

right there and sometimes i have to spit

into a can

that is definitely a diet coke i did

notice some acute perioral

inflammation in your lip area

good

sure is interesting you couldn't hold on

to a water bottle you also couldn't hold

your ground as an offensive lineman

here we go six

let's talk about it what's the number

one thing you need when doing the dirty

huh

oh i don't know let's start with

protection you sure do know a lot about

protection you want to give a little

synapsis

on a condom i'll do it for you let's say

hypothetically your egg in the center

was called quarterback nothing too

specific

qb kind of looks like what an egg all

right

this is protection call it your

offensive line it's a condom call it

offensive live just for hypotheticals

all right

semen is trying to get through your

protection right now let's say your

offensive line

condom up front is ready to protect and

then it breaks through

and sacks your division two quarterback

who's been getting looked at by three

christian schools it was going to take

us to a goddamn national championship

just one play

what was that it was one play hey class

does anybody want to solve this riddle

huh

how many sperms does it take

to impregnate my quarter egg

not you [ __ ] just one sperm to

impregnate my quarterback

egg and you let him through god damn it

you put me in with a torn acl and i'm

15. but you're not worried about my torn

heart

or a torn record you see this that's the

2011 championship ring

you'll never ever it's one play okay you

want to see one play you want to see one

play i'll show you one play

let's go one play that [ __ ] 4c rules

sorry coach

now that is sex

see you on the field okay coach being

proud

class of smith

classes still diet coke if he's

incompetent let me explain to you guys

how sex actually i don't know if you

don't

care try to stop i'm leaving

do you want to say that yeah did you

post it on wall street

[Music]

you