Home Movies - You're Acting Barbaric / Can I Ax You a Question

DUE TO MY UNFORESEEN INJURY, I REGRET TO ANNOUNCE

A SLIGHT SETBACK IN OUR CURRENT PRODUCTION THE, UH,

SLAPSTICK BARBARIAN PROJECT.

WELL, CAN'T WE, UM, RECAST YOU?

YEAH, WE CAN JUST GRAB ANYBODY OFF THE STREET.

HEY, IF I THOUGHT THERE WAS ANOTHER ACTOR

OUT THERE CAPABLE OF DOING WHAT I DO THEN, YOU KNOW,

IN A HEARTBEAT I WOULD...

BUT... BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN

AND WE'RE ALREADY HALFWAY FINISHED.

IT... IS THE TAPE IN THERE?

YEAH.

HERE, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS AND SEE WHAT WE HAVE SO FAR.

(moaning with every hit)

SO, UH, WE GOT SOME WORK TO DO.

WHAT IF WE WROTE FUNNIER DIALOGUE

AND DIDN'T RELY SO MUCH ON THE VIOLENCE?

(hesitantly): YEAH.

NO, RIGHT━━ NO, NO, NO, NO, I... I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

JOKES━━ JOKES.

YEAH, WE'LL WRITE SOME JOKES.

YOU GUYS, UH, GET... GET THE PENS OUT.

OKAY.

LET'S, UM, GET COOKING.

LET'S GET THIS THING, UH, MOVING.

BRENDON, HOW ABOUT YOU ASK JASON WHAT TIME IT IS?

UH, OKAY, UH, WHAT TIME IS IT?

UH, 7:00━ISH.

IS THAT IT?

I WAS HOPING THAT WOULD GET YOU GUYS STARTED.

LET'S DO THIS, OKAY?

I'M A BARBARIAN, SO ARE YOU, JASON...

OH, I HAVE A GOOD, UM, JOKE.

OH, YEAH? OKAY, LET'S HEAR IT.

IF WE'RE BOTH BARBARIANS, RIGHT?

RIGHT, SURE.

THEN I WOULD COME UP TO YOU AND SAY "UM, EXCUSE ME,

CAN I 'AX' YOU A QUESTION?"

(laughing): THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW...

IT'S KIND OF A PLAY ON WORDS.

WE BOTH HAVE BATTLE AXES.

YEAH... RIGHT, I GOT IT, YEAH.

AND THEN YOU'RE, LIKE,

"WHAT KIND OF QUESTION WOULD YOU 'AX' ME?"

RIGHT.

AND I WOULD, LIKE "WELL, I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS TO 'AX' YOU"

AND THEN YOU WOULD SAY, LIKE, "WELL, 'AX' AWAY,"

AND THEN I WOULD SAY, LIKE...

WE GET IT.

"WHICH SHOULD I 'AX' FIRST?"

WE GET IT━━ I'M GOING TO...

AND, BRENDON, YOU WOULD SAY,

"I DON'T KNOW. "JUST PICK ONE TO 'AX'..."

YOU GUYS, I'M GOING TO...

"...RIGHT NOW," AND THEN I WOULD SAY...

IT'S BASICALLY... YOU'RE PLAYING ON THE WORD "AX," I THINK.

YES, BUT FOR A LONG TIME.

BUT YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE AXES, YOU HAVE CLUBS.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW THIS IS LIKE...

NO, BARBAR... OH.

YEAH.

SO MAYBE SOMETHING ABOUT

"HEY, YOU WANT TO GO TO THAT NEW CLUB?"

RIGHT.

I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE.

MMM.

YOU, UM... YOU'RE A BARBARIAN...

UH━HUH, I LIKE IT.

AND I'M A BARBARIAN...

RIGHT, YEAH.

THEN I COME UP TO YOU AND SAY, "ACH, YOU ARE ACTING BARBARIC"

AND THEN YOU SAY, "BECAUSE I'M A BARBARIAN."

ALL RIGHT, SHOULD WE TRY THAT?

AND THEN I SAY, LIKE,

"WELL, THAT STILL IS NO EXCUSE FOR YOU BEING SO BARBARIC."

AND THEN YOU SAY "I CAN'T HELP IT BECAUSE I'M A BARBARIAN."

JASON, I THINK YOU GOT TO LEARN WHEN TO STOP

BECAUSE YOU'RE STARTING OUT STRONG BUT THEN

THE MORE YOU DO IT, IT'S NOT AS FUNNY ANYMORE.

IT COMES AROUND.

RIGHT.

MELISSA IS NOT REALLY ADDING ANYTHING

SO WHY ARE YOU BEING SO, UM, CRITICAL?

THAT'S PART OF WHAT... I'M TRYING TO HELP.

OKAY, WELL, UM... I THINK WE'RE HAVING...

I THINK WE'RE...

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WE'VE GOT A LOT...

WHO'S WRITING THIS DOWN?

I AM.

SO READ THAT LAST THING BACK TO ME AND REALLY SELL IT BIG.

OKAY, JASON COMES IN

AND HE SAYS, "YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A BARBARIAN."

"ACTING LIKE A BARBARIAN."

(laughing softly)

AND THEN I STOPPED WRITING...

THAT WAS NOT EVEN NEARLY...

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE I THINK THE JOKE IS.

NO, MELISSA, THE SCENE WENT ON FOR ANOTHER THREE MINUTES.

NO, BECAUSE THE...

I KNOW, BUT THE... IRONY OF YOU SAYING TO HIM...

BRENDON, SHE'S, UM...

(fumbling for words)

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

BECAUSE I THINK THE IRONY OF IT IS FUNNY.

I THINK I KNOW A FEW THI...

I DON'T WANT MY SCENES EDITED BY YOU, MELISSA.

OKAY, WELL, UM, THIS IS TOUGH AND, UH,