[13+] Home Movies (S01E01) - Get Away From My Mom HD

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no get in here bring it in I don't know

what you're doing out there what are you

doing out there because in my mind

soccer is played with a ball right I

wasn't trying to run towards the goal

you're not getting points by running

through the goalposts the ball has to go

through brother let me show you

something all right

maybe this will give you a little

incentive all right look at my arm right

there see that yeah I got that when I

was 18 years old I'll tell you something

yeah I regret it coz this tattoo don't

come off right I have a tattoo of a

cow's head because I love that cheese

then I get the cow I go in there I'm a

little drunk I say give me the cow head

from that cheese I love that cheese ah I

have a cow a cheese cow on my arm

Brendan don't get a tattoo that's what

I'm telling you okay play soccer right

and take a look at my chest

I gotta go mr. McGuirk look at that

that's nice mr. from the Chiquita banana

I got that tattooed on my chest I'm an

idiot

I got trade my products all over my body

it's like going to a market because I

was drunk one night don't live like me

all right now you go out there and play

great

no I'm gonna crack the egg I'm gonna

crack the eggs because if you do it

you're gonna drip it all down the side

of the bowl I know I know not on purpose

honey mommy can't deal with spills mom

no I guess what I got them I finished

the preview for my movie I'd really like

to get to play would you please look at

it please please mom yes yes go ahead

and show me okay here goes it's a what's

it called it's called the dark side of

the law he's a dirty cop stands one

people don't understand me I wanted to

make a difference cop Jason we we watch

the Academy together

buddy you're a good cop don't try to

sweet-talk me huh you know is it too

early to start right in the speech yeah

you know I'd like to thank my mother

yeah don't worry you're in there

somewhere that's my mother in the back

row with a damp cloth

hey brain can I tell you something mmm

it's kind of weird I mean it's it it's

not that big a deal I want to let you

know that I'm I'm gonna go out tonight

no are you going I'm gonna go on a date

you going on

yep I remembered that you're supposed to

do that I thought that what you do is

not do that women are supposed to go on

dates especially newly divorced women

there's most a spring before it no and

think about me life and youth I am

perhaps you're supposed to go on a date

I've been hiding my life under your

under your dad's bushel mom that's naked

wait wait there's one more thing I want

to tell you who I'm going out with I'm

going out with mr. McGuirk come again

mr. McGuirk my soccer coach

yes Brendon yes oh wait your mom's going

on a date with yes Dirk the jerk I don't

understand

it's let me tell you about women a

little bit Melissa hey guys hi dad hi

Eric nice sandbox pal

I'm kidding no it's a aren't you too old

to be playing in the sandbox

I'm not playing then I'm sitting in a

sandbox this is where I come to reflect

on things and looking for I'm looking

for answers to questions I'm looking for

solutions to problems I I am I came out

here and I've been digging up things and

I found this again what's going on

Brendon I'm kind of in a bad mode Missy

we gotta get going tell my dad maybe he

could help you know how you pick us up

and coach McGuirk's there mmm big fat

crappy Irish guy well yeah I mean that's

not the problem right the problem is

that he's dating my mom tonight going

out on a date

mm-hmm that that's T you have so much

going on somebody had to be happy about

now Melissa tells me about your ideas

for movies I've seen some of your early

work and it's wonderful no thank you

yeah your favorite one don't put me on

the spot I'm sorry you know I just

appreciate the gesture Melissa we have

to be at mr. buck studio in 10 minutes

antennas yeah we have made a commitment

what are you guys talking about

we're gonna play at this recital in

three weeks and listen I we've been

practicing this Sonata

it's a Mozart piano and violin sonata I

don't even know you played violin Erick

certainly learning things about you well

this is only the first thing yeah I mean

this is the first thing I've ever

learned what I like that yeah I feel

strangely like cheered up by you're

playing it's a new awkward feeling that

I'm gonna have to deal with I'm like a

minstrel I guess I like to go into this

date with almost a chip on my shoulder

how dare he ask me out how dare anybody

put me through this I'm wearing just

this is my feeling right now I'm at the

precipice of my life I'm at a turning

point I've decided that I'm just gonna

go dressed how I am dressed because

otherwise it's almost false advertising

I'm wearing a big baggy pants and a

shirt that makes a man want to buy me

another shirt yeah yeah I think I have

just the right attitude don't you is

that what you're wearing tonight yeah

this is a seersucker jacket it's very

nice yeah it's do you think it's in

season don't be a wise guy all right no

you don't mess with me all right

can I get you something what do you

drink

no I'm fine you like whiskey it smell

like he's really gonna be Brendan I want

this date with your mom and I to go well

all right yeah don't mess it up you know

what can I give you a piece of advice

don't take the jacket off kid you

starting to sweat through it and then

they see this shirt underneath it you're

just gonna look like sweat man unless

you get the whole thing there's nothing

wrong with sweating if you're a man

that's what happens oh my god have you

met my sister no I haven't she's very

cute I need to say hi to her hello yeah

you know what you're kind of a lucky guy

come in here you got a fan

ready right whose kid is this I don't

know yours now yeah it's gonna be yeah

no Brendon I know what you doing look at

you really love you seriously can you

carry me for a second I'm not gonna

carry get your hands off me Bradley's

come on dad

I'd better go no come on let's play

catch tell you mama no seriously I think

I love you I swear to god I'm gonna come

down harder on you on Monday it's gonna

be like a friggin hurricane oh yeah yeah

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good are you ready to go of course

that's not it I mean it's not the only

thing that goes into coaching having big

legs yeah like I just ate a whole clove

of garlic well well well look you know

what do you know what it is I mean I

think hmm and I don't want to get into a

whole conversation about anything yeah

but I come from a family that that was

split up yeah yeah it can be hard on a

kid I remember having the same feelings

you know yeah it's why I dropped out of

school which I expect Brendon might do

someday I mean I never know what's gonna

happen when a family falls apart it's a

prison right man

I'm coming to visit you in the prison

cuz I mean yeah you feel horrible for

what I've done I've done something

terrible

how come we're in France because that's

for dramatic things take place okay

right okay here goes guard guard yes

hello guard hello I could use some water

and some bread for I haven't had any in

weeks there's someone here to see you

mother son you look so thin yes I lost a

lot of weight here at the prison French

yes here in France my fault it should be

me behind bars with a French stupid

guard not you yes I agree mother you're

a horrible person

this is small look at my hat okay his

nose is all green

okay people hate me I mean the kids

don't want to do anything you know

that's in my experience Paula yeah kids

are always like I don't want to do that

yeah I consider my job to kind of twist

them in the direction of doing stuff

yeah I mean that's what coaching is all

about that's what I love it I mean every

day I go out there and I twist the kids

into doing something they don't want to

do yeah excuse me waiter can I get

another one of these as soon as possible

I'm not supposed to mix it with

medication but I'm gonna make a rare

exception to the rule let everybody

gather round

mm-hmm I took the weekend to think about

everything we did wrong on Friday and

I'll tell you something I watched some

professional soccer on television Sunday

afternoon I'll tell you there's a major

gap between what I saw on television and

what we are right now first of all

you're all eight hey these people were

in their 20s this Brendon Melissa listen

up right yeah what do you think we're

doing with talking hey Brendon you watch

your mouth I'm sorry yeah I'm addressing

the team ah all right that means you

listen that means you're to Melissa all

right I'm not gonna you too hey

everybody guess what Brendon girls gonna

come after your mom brezin that's gonna

happen Brendan sit down save your mom

I'm not coming after you met Brendon you

settle down right now just getting

started here

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you know I've got a question Eric for

you maybe yes could you possibly beat up

mr. McGurk medium build he's a little

bit bigger but I mean still I think you

could get him I'm wiry I know here's the

thing when do you have a gun I don't

have a gun well we'll get you a gun okay

okay Brendan Hughes I don't know if this

is the right time but let's try the duck

game Melissa remember we're trying that

lesson remember if you really quickly

I'm gonna say a phrase to you in duck

top okay

and whoever gets in first wins you and

Melissa whoever gets it first okay I'm

ready that's a hard one drinking and I

shouldn't be driving let me try

something simpler okay Raghu no Bradley

no listen very closely I don't like my

babysitter's to go too far out of their

way if there's a jar that's impossible

for the kids to open then that you know

then somebody could help them with it

but largely I like them to just take

care of themselves well if you've got a

babysitter who and they do a good job

and the kids like it then I think it

makes the mother look bad I don't know

if this is like the most self-centered

way I can think of it I'm not sure but

no are there the same rules with the

babysitter as there are when you go on

the date

are the babysitter's supposed to call

you up the next day and so it was really

great yeah yeah no one called after that

date the waiter called

apparently I forgot my hat I did have a

bad time but I know that's it I did have

a bad time it was he's beefy but I think

I would feel better if he did want to

sure

you thought ducks out of the love was

the last of the films with that title

you were wrong

coming to see this dark side of the law

to the blue he thought he was above the

law he was number two got me Award

nominee Brendon small gives his most

paralyzing performance so I can't

cheese Brendon I was just trying out a

new hair gel and I didn't expect that I

call you down here Brendon no no I found

out where your office was so I decided

to come down and talk to you yeah they

hidden me away down here it's a nice

place well I just started redecorating

it is a sleeping bag yeah I just I do

some camping sometimes and occasionally

else I'll camp right here a lot of

mirrors in this place that's feng shui

right I the reason I came here mr. sand

before you say anything I honestly want

to clear the air about your mom you

don't have to I know we had a little

difficult time in practice and I don't

want that to happen I can bring know

what let me apologize to you because I'm

like a grade-a jerk all right let me

apologize to you I want you to know that

everything is fine we can continue to

have a good relationship on the soccer

field right I want to make sure that we

have a great season this year and even

though that's not gonna happen

there's no one can play soccer on our

team and I realized it's a conflict of

interest for me I shouldn't be dating

any of the players mom's except

Rebecca's mom

she came to practice last night but I'm

not gonna call her I thought about it

but then I knew what happened with your

mom was wrong and I said you know what

well I did call her but I'm not gonna

follow up on it because that would be

wrong I swear to God I think I'm off

women altogether a little bit something

about women what's that

women are like they're like men but I'll

tell you something man they're not like

women right when you grow up you'll

understand what I'm talking about

will you give her a call you know what I

honestly don't think that after this

whole situation with your mom I did some

reflecting yeah and I wrote a poem I'm

not gonna read you that poem now Thanks

it's a little personal oh then it has

some dirty language in it it's more like

a limerick but I wish I could read it to

you because it makes me laugh every time

I read it I think it's a very good

Limerick hello small residence Brendon

small speaking it's uh it's coach

McGuirk hey hey mr. McGuirk how are you

I'm all right

yellow footballer hi it's John McGuirk

coach joke coach McGuirk hi how you

doing good good I'm doing great

really you don't sound it what is it you

don't sound great I've been crying

that's all I bet it's it's not about

anything sometimes I'll get up and I'll

and be and uh you know I'll go cry

should I have gotten off the phone yet

guys oh my gosh that boys a genius he is

so listen Paula uh I'm calling because

uh you know we had that day mmm except

for when my credit card got declined I

thought that was funny

but you didn't and I said I figured I

owe you one and yeah listen I've got an

idea

what if you don't owe me dinner this is

so much pressure on dinner what if we

just ran into each other like we don't

plan it you mean like I just bump into

you randomly or arbitrarily right

I happened to see you and we would be a

chapter exactly what you pick up Brendon

from practice I would maybe you know I

would run up and I would you know we

could get a few minutes I would be very

proud of both of you you're both acting

like adults and he's gone all right

so I think I might see you on Monday we

got Monday practice yeah that's right

that's right three o'clock I'll see you

there

actually you know I know a guy at a

travel agency who has great deals on

cruises but they have like a four day

you just stick to the random bumping

well I mean I'm just saying and we could

do that on Monday I'm not saying that

hey you know why I think there's gonna

be it for me is that a quick thought

there's a ranch I know out in like

Nevada they do a horseback classes they

do a whole rodeo thing hello hey Brendon

I put your mom back on she's motioning

like she's taking a bath really I don't

know why she so abruptly gave the phone

away well I told her I wanted to talk to

you for a little while so we're going to

a ranch

well it isn't really for kids it's you

know so when you want to talk about I

got I got a go breath

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Jeremy don't use your heads

Jeremy don't use these but when I wasn't

kid I was in a soccer team every

experimental school was non

goal-oriented dad are you watching me I

can't take my eyes off of you Brendan

come here yeah like get in there for

Jeremy I don't want to go Brendan get in

there oh my god Jeremy you're out

Brendan you're in

okay all right well let's say you're

into Brendan Brendan mmm you're out

you're out okay what are you doing don't

do that what's wrong with that well just

don't do that do something else now get

back in okay yeah you know what don't go

in all the way

come on stay right near me should I draw

in a place or something oh yeah look

like you're playing the cake got cream

and what's a 21 year old can't do it on

that team because you're blind

this whole Sports out of order he's a

tough kid that kid of yours very tough

who's got the orange slices hey Paul can

i and forgive me if I'm overstepping my

boundaries here but can I sit on you I

know I Brendon was telling me that um

you and the coach went out on a date is

it is it true yeah yeah well I I know I

turned you down my business but he

seemed kind of rattled the whole thing

the coach no Brendan I think of all

three of us I held it the best let's get

into the game parents get into the game

speaking of getting into the game ref

get into that game yeah and I possibly

use none of my business

I hate the sport bread that I mean I

hate the sport no you don't you are just

thinking that we met but I guess for the

first time with the PTA meeting two

years ago and I meant to tell you by the

way there's something I meant to tell

you two years ago at the PTA meeting

yeah I'm

all around you Jesus it slipped my mind

for last two years meaning to tell you

that I really think we're not gonna hit

it off your dad sitting really close to

my mom you're out of your mind

they're like they're just talking about

the team pork in in two weeks on

Saturday morning Melissa and I are

giving a recital and I would love it if

you and Brendan can join us you're

giving a recital well I you know she's

playing the piano I'm playing the violin

it's really it's um it's an E minor I'm

sorry dad you said you weren't bringing

the violin it's all amazing playing

soccer play Freebird don't encourage it

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you

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